


It's A Start

by shamrock



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, First Fic!, Oh 16-year-old self you sure did love clichés, RetroPosting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:32:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamrock/pseuds/shamrock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faith is released from prison and wants a new start. (Originally posted July 18th 2000)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's A Start

**Author's Note:**

> Retroposting all my old fic here on AO3 and feeling incredibly old/nostalgic/condescending towards Past!Me about it. This was the first fic I ever wrote that wasn't a ST:DS9 drabble scribbled in the back of a school notebook. The cringe is strong with this one.

What the hell am I doing? I swore to myself over and over that once I got out of jail I would head as far as possible away from Sunnydale, away from everything that happened there, and most of all, away from Buffy Summers.

So what the hell am I doing sitting in my car outside her Mom's house?

Maybe it's coz this is the place that I associate most with Buffy. The cozy little family house, no... home. Her and her mom, together, happy. Most of the time anyway, they have their problems I know. But at least Joyce loves her. At least Joyce doesn't get drunk, or stoned, or both and decide to use her as a punching bag on a daily basis.

No, Joyce may not be perfect, but she's a good woman. And Buffy knows that. And I know that too. When I switched bodies with Buffy, Joyce was talking to me, or rather to Buffy, about me. She said she thought I was desperately unhappy.

And I thought 'Well fuck. How's that for my pathetic excuse for a life in a nutshell.' Desperately unhappy? Oh yeah. Unbearably miserable? You betcha. Hurt, angry, scared, alone, vulnerable, brash, arrogant, deceptive...

...evil?

Was I evil? I was helping a guy who wanted to be a big snake and eat the world. I screwed over the only two people that ever tried to help me. I killed. Not vamps, not demons... but a person... no, people. Three of them. Did that make me evil?

I wasn't sure, but I had needed to know. So I shot Angel. I knew that would get her attention. Force her into action. I mean, this was her honey we were talking about. The guy who had tried to suck the world into hell, who had killed people close to her, and yet, when it all came down to it, she had forgiven him, she had loved him. After all that, she had found it in her heart to forgive him. Surely, surely if there was one ounce of something in me that was worth saving, worth redeeming, worth forgiving, surely Buffy would have found it.

She didn't. She stabbed me. She came to my apartment, all dressed to kill and ready to rumble. She looked on me and found me lacking, found nothing worth forgiving, found a knife, my knife, and rammed it in my gut. Judge, jury and executioner right there in one.

And I accepted her verdict. Fine, I was evil. That was my role, I'd play it well. We were enemies? Fine, I could play it that way. So what if I ached to have her put her arms around me and tell me everything was gonna be okay. So what if I longed to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness. Too late Faith baby, jury's returned their verdict, judge has passed sentence and now the executioner's coming out to play. But fucked if I was gonna make things easy for her. She wanted me dead, okay, I'd be dead, but no way in hell that undead son of a bitch was gonna drink me. No way.

Passing truck. Five story fall. Memory of how cool, how clean the knife felt as it slid into my gut, contrast to the searing, burning pain that followed. Memory of her eyes, her big, beautiful, haunted green eyes when she looked at me and saw me die. She didn't know, but I'd been dead for a long time before I met her. My last memory - her eyes, trying to convey so much to me at once. Shock, hurt, anger, sorrow, pain, confusion, and maybe... though it may just have been wishful thinking on my part, maybe some regret.

But mostly... mostly, passion.

I don't know if it burned for me, if her hatred was that deep, or if it burned for Angel, who lay dying while she killed me, or if it was the same passion that burned in me when I made the kill, when I rammed a stake home into a non-beating heart and felt that one thrilling moment of exhilaration between staking and a dust cloud when you know you've nailed him, and he knows you've nailed him, and there's nothing he can do now but die. I don't know who or what her passion was for but that was my last vision of her. My last vision of anything before the darkness claimed me. And God, she was beautiful.

//Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws... and howl. Passion... is born... And though uninvited, unwelcome, unwanted... like a cancer... it takes root. It festers... it bleeds... it scabs... only to rupture. It speaks to us, guides us; passion rules us all. And we obey... what other choice do we have?//

I'm out of my rental-car now, heading towards the house. Hesitantly, uncharacteristically timid, I knock on the door. Maybe I'm as crazy as everyone said I was coz I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm about to put myself through this. Coz no mistake, I know what's coming. Giles opens the door.

Okay, maybe I don't know exactly what's coming.

The look of shock on the G-Man's face at finding me standing on the doorstep would almost have been funny under different circumstances. But I wasn't laughing, coz he wasn't Joyce. Joyce I had been expecting, been prepared for. I had even allowed for the possibility that Buffy might be there though God knows I was grateful she wasn't, I needed a little more time before I'd be ready to tackle that situation. But that situation was the whole reason I was here, wasn't it? Fuck, why do I get myself into these messes?

Okay, realising now, in this awkward, stunned silence that I'd better say something. Time for a trademark off-hand remark, something glib, something possibly crude or shocking.

"Uh... hi?"

Or not.

"Faith... what are you..? I mean... why...?" he stutters in his clipped British accent.

From inside I hear a voice, Joyce, call out. "Rupert? Who is it?"

Hmmmm... I wonder at the fact that they're on first name terms now. Joyce and the G-Man... huh.

He gathers his composure pretty quickly. I guess living on a hellmouth kinda desensitises you to weird stuff happening. "It's uh... It's Faith," he calls back.

There is another moment of stunned silence in which I can imagine her jaw hitting the ground, followed by footsteps, followed by Joyce.

"Faith?" The disbelief is evident even though I'm standing right there. On her doorstep. Still. They gonna let me in anytime today or what?

"Uh... come in." Joyce ventures, almost reading my mind.

I do, and they're surprisingly non-hostile to me. I guess I was half-expecting to find a crossbow aimed at me while Joyce told me to get the hell off her property and not come back again. That was half what I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was the pot of tea she made as the three of us sat down together in their living room. That I did not expect at all.

Giles was wary. That was good, he had reason to be, good reason. I was one dangerous, psychotic bitch. Joyce was a little less suss of me. I never really got her, I mean, she could be all smiles and sweetness and motherly love at times, but she kicked Buffy out of her house for wanting to save the world. And then when I first arrived in Sunnydale she really tried to make me feel welcome. Of course me screwing her daughter over didn't go down too well and our next meeting had been slightly more... confrontational, but now she was taking me into her home... again, with a minimum amount of fuss. I didn't get her.

"I suppose you want to know what I'm doing here, huh?" I said to break the somewhat less strained silence.

"I had wondered, yes." Giles replied. "Aren't you meant to be in prison?"

"I was. I've done my time, I'm out now."

"Already?" Joyce asked.

"There wasn't really anything to link me to any of the crime scenes except my own confession. I had a good attorney, got me a reduced sentence on account of my age and all. Did eight months." I explained to them.

"And now you're here. Again."

Damn, that said it all, didn't it. This was always where I ended up. After I woke from that coma I found the Mayor's little body-switching device. Wicked cool. Only it wasn't, coz yeah, I got Buffy's body, that part was fun. And I screwed her boyfriend, literally, just to fuck with their heads. But I also got her life, and that part wasn't so cool. Coz her life was love and friends and mom and thank you and happiness and brightness and sheer radiance that I knew I could never have. I didn't deserve.

Want. Take. Have. That easy, that simple. A rule I could live by. I wanted Buffy. I took her. But I could never, ever have her.

And so I came back, to Sunnydale Church, to her. I knew she'd be there. I think I probably knew she'd have a way to get her body back. I didn't care. I was just so tired. And then L.A. And Angel, and my death that somehow became my redemption, the beginning of it anyway. And then Buffy, hurt and angry and raw. And her and Angel arguing, over me, and me in the middle, just like mom and my stepdad, and me begging them not to, and just like when I was eight it made no difference, and they fought, over me.

And it wasn't right, that they should do that. And I wasn't right. I finally realised that I hadn't been right in as long as I could remember. And then Buffy comes to have it out with me. And fuck, is it just me or does some of the stuff I say to her actually make sense? It sure seems to hit home with the way she flinches. But God she hates me, she detests me. She said I made her a victim, that I'm the only one who did that. Fuck. And all the while, all the while as we're yelling our hurt at each other, I can see it, feel it between us again.

//Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.//

And her passion burned into me, seared me with her rightness. Her justice was what I had come to accept. She wanted me in jail? Hand me my ball and chain.

So I gave myself up and handed myself over. Let them cuff me and chain me. Let them pass judgement on me. Let them throw me in a cell for eight months, not as dark as the head I had lived in for eight months before that, but disturbing nonetheless. To see night fall outside, to know the darkness that was out there, to have your blood singing, calling to you to go... to hunt... to slay. It's a wicked powerful urge you get, to dust a vamp after eight months of nothing. It was the very first thing I did to celebrate my freedom. Second thing I did...?

"Yeah Giles, I'm back. Again."

I came home.

*****

I hang up the phone in my dorm room, still not letting the conversation I just had sink in. Angel had called, first time I've spoken to him in months, he called to tell me that she's out. Faith's done her time and now she's out. And she's not in L.A. Angel thought I should know that she was free again. I'm grateful he told me.

He doesn't know where she is, but I do. Or at least, I know where she'll end up. Sunnydale. In some twisted way, I guess this is her home. Not a home that's particularly fond of her though.

And now it's starting to sink in, and the realisation hits. This could be a second chance, a new start for her, for us both.

But what if Faith doesn't want a new start? What if she's perfectly happy to pick up where we left off? With the hurting, the anger, the pain.

I thought once before that we could start over, when she woke from her coma. But she was aggro and bitter and throwing it in my face. I told her it didn't have to be that way. God, I didn't want it to be that way.

"Actually, B. I think it has to be *exactly* this way."

She wasn't ready then. To forgive, to deal, to move on. What is it that makes me think she'll be ready now? Could it be the emptiness I saw in her when I was in L.A.? When we were on the roof and she was telling me how I was all about control, and she had none, and how she felt nothing she did mattered.

It mattered. It mattered a hell of a lot. To me at least. But what she said, about control, that hit home. I couldn't control her. Worse, I couldn't control myself around her. She brought out a side of me that was exhilarating, liberating, and utterly frightening. Because that side of me, of us, got a man killed.

And that's when everything went to hell. I tried to reach out to her. That's what I tell myself. That's what I told her. I wonder though. Was it her I reached out to, or was it my own perception of her? I was so desperate to regain control, so eager to have her fall back into line that I didn't really listen to her.

She said she didn't care. That was bull. But I didn't see it then. She said that she was the only person she needed on her side. She was crying out to me to be on her side, to stand by her. But I didn't see that either. I see it all so clearly now. Living in someone else's body gives you a whole new perspective on their life. For her, it was all about survival, about putting number one first so that you were still alive come morning. She didn't have the friends, the watcher, the Scooby Gang. I had tried to fit her in to my little circle, but I had gone about it all wrong and she hadn't fitted. I believed she could be a Scooby, one of the guys, that she could hang at the Bronze, that she'd follow our pattern. God, I was so wrong.

When I slay, it's about duty and responsibility. I kill vampires and demons to protect the people I love. When Faith slays it's about not dying. And what kills me is that I never took the time to question that. To wonder why it was that she beat the vamps bloody before she staked them. I mean, I saw it, I wondered about it, I may even have remarked on it. But I never questioned her, never cared enough to ask.

I saw the rage in her, but I ignored it, brushed it aside. Okay, so she was angry at the world a lot of the time, she could still be one of us. But she couldn't, because I never really knew her. I never saw the dark, hurt side of her until it was much too late. And by then things had been set in motion, and they were going to run their course.

And run their course they did. I stabbed her, she was in a coma for eight months, she woke up, she held my mom hostage, she switched bodies with me, she slept with my boyfriend, she almost got me killed by the watcher's council... she came back to save a bunch of innocent people, she went to L.A. to kill Angel, she tortured Wesley, very nearly to death... she wanted him to kill her, she wanted to be dead... she gave herself up... she made that decision to try and change.

And now she's back.

And I don't know what I'm going to do.

*****

"Does Buffy know you're here?" Giles asks me as he pours more tea.

I fidget, see that I'm fidgeting, and force myself to stop. "Not yet."

Joyce looks up at me. "Are you..." she pauses. "I mean."

Class. She's trying to find a polite way to ask me if I'm gonna continue to be a psycho bitch and make her daughter's life a living hell. Points for trying Joyce.

"I want to make things right with her."

Damn, that was honest. Where did it come from? And I have to ask, while they're here, two people who know her perhaps better than anyone else.

"Do you think... do you think she'll, maybe... I mean... if I..." way to babble, girl.

"I think you have a chance, Faith." Thankfully Giles knows what I'm trying to say and stops me before I turn into Willow. He takes his glasses off and begins to twist them in his hands. I recognise this as a sign that he's about to lecture me. For once I'm gonna be smart and listen. Then he turns that serious, penetrating look on me. "But it won't be easy. You hurt her very deeply. And it's going to take a lot on your part to make amends."

I nod slowly. "I know..." God I know. It's all I've thought about for the last eight months or so. About how in hell I was ever gonna make things right with her. But I was willing to try, and that had to be a start. Didn't it?

Joyce sensed the somewhat strained turn this conversation was about to take and intervened. "Do you have somewhere to stay, Faith?"

Damn, hadn't even thought of that. "Uh... I was just gonna rent a motel room. I mean, I don't know how long I'm staying or anything. It all depends on..."

"You could..." she looked to Giles for a moment and he nods almost imperceptibly, "You could stay here if you want... we have a spare room."

Tempting as that would be I immediately see the hundred and one problems that could cause. And numbers one through a hundred are all Buffy.

"Thanks all the same Mrs. S, but I think it'd probably be best if I just crashed at the motel. For now, anyway. But I appreciate the offer."

"Are you sure-" Joyce began.

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks again." I stood up, suddenly too damn full of energy to stay sitting at their little tea party. "Look, uh... I'm gonna head. If you see Buffy..." God, if you see Buffy what. "Just... just tell her I was here."

Giles nodded. "We will."

Joyce looks like she's going to say something but a look from the G-Man makes her change her mind. Instead she just says "If you need anything..."

I smile my usual, self-assured, screw-the-world-coz-I-don't-need-'em smile and nod. "Hey, I'm five by five. Thanks for everything."

And then I'm gone. Running scared from their cozy little home and the whole... normality of the situation. I need time, and space. I need to think. Inside my mind is running a mile a minute, my emotions so screwed that I could hardly identify them, never mind deal with them. Outside however, I'm my usual calm self, strolling to my car. Sit, keys, ignition, gear, drive.

I don't even remember deciding to go there. Hell, I don't really remember getting there. One minute I'm leaving Joyce's, the next I'm sitting in my car outside UC Sunnydale. It must have started to rain on the way here. It hardly ever rains in Sunnydale.

I try not to take it as a sign or anything, as I get out of the car that suddenly seems way too small and I perch against the hood, staring at the buildings that contain the dorm rooms of the college. The rain hits me from all sides and somehow it seems fitting, that I should be out here, sitting in the rain, while she's up there, somewhere. One of those bright warm lights is her room.

I must be crazy. To have come back here after all that's happened. To even imagine that I could begin to make things right between us. But I can't help myself. I'm drawn to the light that is Buffy Summers like a moth, and I'm probably as likely to get burned. I can't explain why I keep coming back here. I don't even think I fully understand it myself. But I'm here now, again. And one thing I have never been is chicken. So I'll see it through. After all, there's not much else I can do.

But for now I'll just sit on my car and debate in my own head whether or not I should go up there and see her.

*****

I close the door to my dorm room, leaving Willow and Tara to have their privacy. I told Will about Faith and she seemed to understand the confusion I'm feeling. Damned if I can understand it myself though.

I've come up with a plan of action. And step one is what I'm doing right now. I'm going to patrol. I'm going to forget about her entirely for tonight and just concentrate on staking vamps. Tomorrow I'll go to Mom's and see if our favourite psychopathic slayer has dropped by. I figure that's one of the first places she might go, if she's even in Sunnydale.

When I think about it, she could have gone back to Boston, or to anywhere for that matter. I mean, she could be in Yemen by now, or she could be...

...sitting on the hood of a red convertible a few feet away from me.

Despite everything, and in spite of myself, my first thought is 'damn but she looks good'. And she does, she's drenched from the rain and she's just staring up at the dorm rooms with an almost vulnerable air about her. A kind of vulnerability that makes me want to just go to her and put my arms around her and... and promptly get decked if I tried it most likely. Faith was never exactly the touchy feely type.

So she's here. *Here*, here. And now she senses I'm here, gotta love those heightened slayer senses, and the vulnerability is gone, replaced with a wall of self-assurance and sheer arrogance that I can sense before she even looks my way.

Damn.

*****

Have you ever seen Highlander? It's a pretty cool flick, made a fairly good tv series out of it too. It's about these immortal guys who are all bent on killing each other because "there can be only one" or something. And they have watchers too, kinda like our Watchers, only not so... tweedy. Anyway, point is, the Immortals have this inner sense thing that tells them when there's another Immortal in the area. In the film they have this cool echoey effect and shit. Talk about life imitating art - that's exactly how I know Buffy's here. I can feel her.

So I turn my head and there she is. A little older, looking a little more worn around the edges, but she's still... Buffy. And I can see that she doesn't know how to handle this any more than I do. I have this brief compulsion to fall back into old habits and I guess she feels the same coz her first words are

"Back to wreak some more havoc, Faith?"

I bite back the sharp reply that's on the tip of my tongue and consider my reply carefully. It'd be so easy to just fall into that old pattern, to follow our usual rules of engagement, 'You hurt me, I hurt you.' But screw it, that's not why I'm here. At least I don't think it is. I push myself off the hood of the car and stand facing her.

"Actually no... I'm here to apologise."

She just looks at me, not quite willing to stop trying to bore holes into the back of my head with her eyes. Damn but she's cute when she's mad. Maybe that's why I spent so much time pissing her off. That and the bordering on insanity thing.

"I'm sorry."

"I told you not to-"

"Yeah, you did." I interrupt, "But it's something I should have said a long time ago and if you don't want to hear it, fair enough, but I need to say it."

Okay Faith, deep calming breaths. I can see this getting out of hand so easily. I'm walking a tightrope here. She's quiet for a minute, digesting what I said maybe, or maybe just trying to subdue the urge to find the nearest blunt object and turn me into a bloody pulp. I think I'd probably let her if she did decide to go postal on me. Still willing to let her be my judge, jury and executioner. I never learn, do I?

"Why are you here?" she says eventually in a tone I can't quite read.

Yeah, been asking myself that a lot too lately.

"To be honest... I'm not sure." God, how do I say this, "I'd like to try and make things right. And I understand that there is no reason at all that you should believe me and I know there's no way you're gonna trust me but... but I really am sorry. And I want to try and fix things as best I can."

I can see her indecision. I hurt her so much. Like she said, I made her a victim, why should she believe me? But it's in her nature to look for the best in people, and she wants so badly to be able to find some good in me. *I* want so badly for her to be able to find some good in me.

"Fix things?" She's hurt and angry now, this isn't good "You want to fix things?!"

Shit, she's pacing. Pacing isn't good.

"How can you even hope to change things, Faith? There's no magic wand that you can just wave and turn things back to how they were."

"I'm not trying to. I know I can't just paint over my mistakes, I gotta deal. And I will... if you let me."

*****

I can't believe we're actually having this conversation. I can't believe we're having any conversation at all and not just tearing at each other's throats. I want to believe her, I really do. But how can I trust her? After everything that's happened, how can I even begin to trust her again? The answer comes to my mind unbidden -

Slowly.

'If you let me.' Can I do that? That's the question I suppose. Can I let go of my anger and my hate enough so that we can start to rebuild?

She's looking at me and even though the bravado's still there, it's more obvious bravado now. She's still got that tough exterior, that's part of what makes her Faith, but I can see through it a little more easily now. And those eyes, those deep, soulful eyes that have haunted my dreams for so long now, they're looking at me with a mixture of hope and doubt and uncertainty and I have my answer.

"Are you sincere?"

Her look of guarded relief mixed with determination hits me right in the gut and I can't hold the serious glare that I had pinned her with.

"Absolutely."

I nod, still keeping myself guarded. It's gonna be a long while before I can trust her again. If ever, but this is a start, right?

"Well... If you're serious about starting over then that's good. But if you screw us over again..."

"Yeah, I get it. Lotsa pain, blunt objects and the like, right?"

I'm not going to let her joke this off.

"That's just for starters. No more second chances Faith, this is it."

She nods in understanding.

"It's more than I deserve-"

"Yeah, it is." I cut her off.

She examines the ground beside her boot closely for a minute. When she speaks it's quiet, but loud enough so I can hear. "Thanks, B." She looks up at me. "I won't let you down. Not this time."

And that's it. My anger is washed away and somehow I feel a hell of a lot better. She *is* sincere, I can see the change in her. I don't know if I can trust her again, but we have to go somewhere from here. And I just hope that wherever we end up is somewhere good.

I'm not gonna say it'll be easy, but... it's a start.


	2. Picking Up The Pieces

I missed this. I really missed this. I missed the hunt, the thrill of the chase. I missed having B beside me while we were in our element. Slayers, indestructable, powerful, deadly. We're patrolling in the graveyard. There are two vamps here somewhere, they ran for it while we were turning their five buddies into dust, but I can still feel them here. Gotta love those slayer senses.

I hear it, the almost silent footstep behind and to our right. Looking at B I see she's heard it too. Silently, she mouths a countdown to me as the vampires approached from behind.

One... Two... *Three*

We spin as one, B flooring one with a leg-sweep, me smashing into the other guy's jaw with a roundhouse. They back off, a little stunned, but then they charge us for a second go.

I fucking love this feeling! The aggression, the sheer burning rage that takes hold of me in a fight. The total confidence in myself, in my ability to kick serious vampire ass. The adrenaline surging through me, heightened senses, everything in overdrive.

Pairing off, I take the big but dumb looking one, and B squares off with a smaller female. Small but quick, she and B are exchanging kicks and punches in a blur of motion that makes even me a little dizzy. And then my attention is drawn from watching them fight as my guy charges in.

*****

I'm trying to keep up with this vamp as she lashes out with punch after punch. Damn but she's fast. And accurate too. I drop my guard, letting her land a punch that leaves her open for just a second, it's long enough. I grab her by the shoulder, twist, and she has her back to me. Then it's just a case of grabbing a stake and slamming it home. From a few feet away I hear the grunts of exertion that tell me Faith's having a harder time of it.

The vamp she's fighting is built like a house and, while not particularly intelligent, his size makes it hard for her to get inside his guard. If she just went for the quick kill she could probably take him out with a minimum of fuss, but that was never her style. No, she'll keep beating up on him until she's worked the edge off of her rage.

Well, better the vamp than me. This time.

He lands a punch to her face, rocking her back with the force of the blow and making her about ten times more pissed off. The almost maniacal grin that she wears when she's ready to *really* fight appears and I can almost sympathise with the vamp, she's about to go postal on him.

"Now that's more like it," she growls and rushes him, tackling him around the waist and, built like a linebacker or not, he's going down.

They roll as they hit the ground and Faith comes out on top, straddling him and punching him repeatedly in the face.

"C'mon, fight me you bastard."

He tries to comply, struggling underneath her, but she has him beaten and she grunts in frustration. What is it with her and the whole grunting thing anyway? But I guess she's decided she's had enough and she takes out a stake. I watch as she raises it to finish him off and then something hits me from behind and the world goes black.

*****

My stake is halfway to the vamp's undead heart when I hear B cry out in pain. I finish him and, rolling off of him before he's even dust, I'm up in a fighting stance. My heart's in my mouth when I see Buffy down and out.

Fuck! There was another vamp. Where did he come from? He's not charging me, waiting for me to move instead. Well, if that's what he wants...

I twirl my stake, just to show off, and then I rush him, aiming low but striking high at the last moment. He blocks, barely, and counters with a low sweep that I avoid easily. We circle, each a little more wary after testing our defences. He lashes out, I stop his arm with my own and land a kick to his middle that leaves him bent double. Taking advantage, I grab his head and bring it crashing down, full force onto my knee. Bone shatters, blood sprays and he cries out. Beautiful. I smash my foot into his kneecap rejoicing as he screams like an animal.

Yeah, I'm the Slayer you undead son of a bitch. And I'm better than you. I'm better than you and all your vamp friends. The rage rises in me again, and I use it, mold it. It's my greatest weapon, always have been. No one's gonna beat me coz I won't give 'em the fucking satisfaction. No one's gonna beat me coz I'm the Slayer. I'm not eight years old anymore and now I can hit back. Now I can make *them* hurt.

"I'm... fucking... better... than... you." Each word is accompanied by a punch to his already broken and bleeding face until he's not able to fight any more and so I stake him.

I really fuckin' missed this.

I move over to kneel beside B. She's unconscious and she has a nasty bruise on the side of her face but she'll be okay. Slayer healing and all, it'll be gone in a couple of days. I'm about to try and wake her when I hear people approaching, trying to move silently.

I sigh but stay kneeling. Running through a list of people that could possibly be strolling through a Sunnydale graveyard in the middle of the night, it's not hard to guess who's coming.

"Get the hell away from her."

Beefstick. And he's pointing a crossbow at me. How... pathetic really.

I stand and face him. "You could fire that, but you'd never hit me."

He looks a little confused for a second before recognition kicks in, closely followed by shock with anger bringing up the rear.

"Faith!"

Willow steps out to stand beside him. It takes all my willpower to hold back a sneer but I do. "Hey Red, y'miss me?"

That's when Xander, who's been "sneaking" up on me from behind makes his move. He jumps forward, trying to grab me from behind, and I sidestep, allowing him to fall flat on his face. Smooth Xander, very smooth. He scrambles for safety, away from me.

"And Xander. Gang's all here." I know I'm being somewhat confrontational but I'm just out of a fight, my blood's up... and I really don't like any of these people. Still, I'm back to make amends so I make an internal effort to cut back on the Attitude. These are the people I'm back to make amends with after all. They hate me... I don't blame them. Truth is I'm not so fond of myself either most of the time. But fucked if I'm gonna let them see that.

"Get away from her Faith." Beefstick demands. "And if you've hurt her..."

Great. Way to show them you've changed for the better. Standing over your former no. 1 enemy with blood on your clothes while she's lying unconscious. Good impression. Fortunately for me, B chooses that moment to rejoin the land of the conscious.

"What...?" she's a little groggy until she sees Beefstick toting a crossbow, backed up by some very pissed off looking friends. That seems to clear her head a little. She reaches out a hand for me to help her to her feet and I do, half expecting Riley to try and put a crossbow bolt through me. He doesn't, but he tenses and I can tell he's a heartbeat away from firing.

B sees it too and steps between us. Riley looks surprised, I know how he feels. His grip on the crossbow falters slightly. Well it would, with his girlfriend in the line of fire.

B looks back and forth, between me and her Scoobies. I can see her trying to find a way to explain this situation and calm everyone down. I somehow doubt she's gonna be able to.

"Buffy, are you okay?" Riley asks. "Did she hurt you?"

"What?" B realises what they're all thinking. "No... Riley, Faith didn't do this. There were some vamps, one of them blindsided me."

"So what's she doing here?" Willow chimes in.

"Look... I'll explain everything, okay? But can you please put the crossbow down."

Beefstick hesitates for a moment before lowering it to his side.

I release a breath I didn't realise I was holding. I wasn't so much worried that he'd shoot me, but I was worried that he'd try. B talked them down so I guess that means I'm one up. There's some proverb about long journeys beginning with one step. I think that was my first step. But it's gonna be a *long* journey.

*****

They've called a Scooby meeting at Giles' place and everyone's there. Buffy is sitting beside me on the couch - it's a statement and everyone's read it. She's standing up for me. Hard to fucking believe. I mean, out of all the people in this room, I've hurt her the most, screwed with her head, her life, her everything, and here she is going to bat for me with her friends. Is it any fucking wonder that I spent the first few months in Sunnydale in awe of her?

For the first few minutes there was this heavy silence and tension that it would have taken a small arsenal to cut through. I was never one for quiet time so I spoke up.

"Look..." three very hostile pairs of eyes turned on me. "I know you guys hate me, and with good cause. I know I screwed up..."

"You think?" Xander interrupted. "Screwing up is crashing your parents care when you've taken it without permission. You were going to help a giant snake demon bring about hell on earth, I'd class that as somewhat more than a screw up."

Fuck, I know they have a right to hate me, I'll be the first to admit I deserve it. But my first reaction is still to bury my fist in his face and see if he has any smart comments then. It's not like I'm trying to get them to like me or anything, but he's really not making this easy.

"I know." Hard as it is, I meet their eyes, never was one to back down from a challenge. "I know I hurt you all and..." Here's the really hard part "And I'm sorry."

That gets a response.

"Sorry?!" Willow's turn to bash me now. "Oh well then, welcome back all is forgiven!"

"Sarcasm ain't your strong point, Red." I can feel my own anger rising. That's not good. Gotta stay calm. There's an angry silence while everyone tries to regain some control.

"Look... I'm not asking for forgiveness, or for you to trust me. But I'm... I'm trying to do the right thing here, so all I'm asking is you give me a chance to prove that I'm being straight with you."

Willow just stares at me in something between disbelief and disgust; Xander shakes his head; Riley hasn't taken his eyes off the ground since this whole thing started.

Willow turns to Giles. "Surely the Watcher's Council have some say in this?"

"Not if we don't tell them." B says quietly, speaking for the first time.

"And when they find out... which they will?" Red prompts.

"Then we'll deal with that when it happens." B stares Red down. "For now... For now we give her a chance. I'm not saying trust her," she looks at me with an expression I can't read, "I can't ask you to do that. But at least give her a chance."

Willow and Xander look at each other, somewhat subdued. Red's squeeze and some other chick who I gather is Xander's girl look like they couldn't give a toss. Giles is cleaning his glasses, again.

"No."

It's quiet, but firm. B turns to him. "Riley?"

Beefstick looks up from examining the carpet. "No, Buffy." He stands up and glares at me. I return the favour. If there's one thing I can do well, it's hold a stare.

"Admittedly, I wasn't here when you went psychopathic and killed people and tried to bring about an apocalypse. But I was when you switched bodies with Buffy. And judging by the damage you did on what, by all accounts, was you on a relatively good day, I say the best thing you can do is get the hell out of Sunnydale and don't come back."

"Riley, shut up."

Damn but that tone could stop a bull in its tracks. Beefstick is stunned into silence and B has everyone's attention. Even Xander's honey is looking somewhat excited at the idea of a showdown brewing.

"You're right Riley, you weren't here for the Ascension, or what lead up to it. You don't know the full story and even what you do know, you didn't live through and you couldn't possibly understand."

He just looks at her for a minute with his puppy dog eyes and I fight down my gag reflex. What does she see in him for Chrissakes? At least Angel had a personality, even if it was a particularly brooding/demonic one. She just stares back at him.

"Fine," he says eventually. Quiet, hurt. "You know where I am if you need me."

And he walks out.

I'm kinda in shock. Did she just do that? Did she actually just have a domestic on my behalf? Judging from the looks on everyone's faces I guess she did. Okay... why? Giles picks a good time to do the Watcher thing.

"Well... it's late and this is all quite a lot to digest, for everyone. I agree Buffy, there is no need to call the Council in on this. We'll just... we'll see how things go for now. We can reconvene tomorrow and decide how we're going to deal with this... situation."

And that's that. At least I survived I suppose. I wait for the rest to leave before I go and as I'm almost out the door Giles stops me.

"Faith?"

"Yeah?"

"If you are sincere about your change... If you are willing to work with us... then, it's good to have you back."

A sceptical part of me agrees with his viewpoint - better to have a Slayer onside than working against you, another part of me is wary of him, of believing him, of trusting him. But I smile anyway. "Thanks."

He nods and I turn to go. "Oh... and Giles?"

"Hmmm?"

"I am. Sincere that is."

"I hope, for all our sakes, that you are."

*****

B's waiting for me outside Giles'. Right now she looks like she could give Angel a run for his money in the brooding department. She's scuffing the ground with her boot with this really intense, almost worried look on her face. I wonder what thoughts could be that deep?

"Hey." I say and she looks up, guarding her expression.

"Hey."

"Ummm..." I've never been any good at these kind of talks so I take a deep breath and go for it, hoping for the best. "B, what you said in there... I mean... well, thanks, y'know. I-"

"Look Faith," she cuts me off. "I stood up for you coz if I didn't there's no way in hell any of them would listen to you. Doesn't mean we're any better. You and I... we're still on rocky ground, okay?"

"I get that." Believe me, I get that. "B, I know you don't trust me, I don't blame you. I wouldn't trust me either. But believe me when I say that I wouldn't be back here, I wouldn't be putting myself through this if I didn't want to try and fix some of the damage I did. I know I'm not gonna be able to make it all good again, but I'm hoping at least..."

"At least what?"

I sigh. I really, really hate these kind of talks.

"When I was in prison, all I could think about was how I screwed you over. I... Guilt isn't something I'm used to dealing with but I figured if I could just... If I could make up for some of what I did here, then maybe I could stop feeling like shit... and we could all move on."

She mulls that over for a minute and when she speaks her voice is quiet, subdued.

"I've been trying to move on for eight months," she says. "Hasn't worked."

And suddenly she looks as tired as I feel. And when she looks at me those eyes that have haunted me for years now, I'm reminded of that bond we used to have. She was right when she told Beefstick he couldn't understand, even if he'd been there. Nor did any of the others really. Because it was never about them, even though I used them to screw with her, it was about me and Buffy. Always, me and her.

The Slayers. The chosen two. Sisters in arms. Mortal enemies. Two halves, mine the darker of the two. My Yin to her Yang. We balanced each other. We understood each other, better than anyone else possibly could. Because what we had set us apart from her friends, fuck, it set us apart from the rest of the human race. The one thing we had that made us different, we could share. And that bond, bruised and tattered as it may be, is still intact. That gives me the first glimmer of real hope I've had since I set foot back in this town.

The silence that falls between us is the least strained one so far today.

"Have you got a place to stay?" she asks eventually.

"I'm gonna crash at the motel. I mean, I could go back to the apartment but..."

There's no need to finish that sentence. She has the same memories of that night and neither of us really want to relive them.

"You have the cash for it?"

"I'll get by."

"I know Mom's looking for someone to help her out at the gallery. I'm not sure how she'd take to you showing up, but I can have a word with her if you want."

I'm not sure. Even though she seemed kinda cool earlier today, Joyce ain't exactly my number one fan. Then again, no one's my number one fan. Matter of fact, I don't have *any* fans right now. Well, I need a job so I guess it can't hurt.

"Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks, B."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow." For a moment her guard is down and that worried expression is back, quickly it's guarded again. "Well, I have school so..."

"Sure, yeah, better go. Thanks again."

She gives me a fake smile and then walks away. Well, this has been one hell of a day. I kinda feel like I'm out of my depth here. It's not that I was expecting it to be easy, coming back, making amends. But it's something I've never done before, never faced up to the consequences, never took the responsibility for my own mistakes. It was so much easier before. Before, I'd just run. Coz that worked so well...

All my running ended me up in Sunnydale, with the one thing I couldn't run from.

*****

I turn and walk away, muttering some excuse about school. Everything that's happened today - fuck, everything that's happened in the last few weeks is catching up with me now and I need some space to think.

Faith's back. And not in a "back for her revenge" kind of way, she's trying to make amends. Or so she says. Can I trust her? Do I want to?

I've spent so long being angry at her that it's hard to let go. And yet when Riley started laying into her I defended her. I mean, God, he has a right to hate her for what she did. I have the same right, but it's more complicated than that.

After graduation I went to see her in the hospital. I guess I wanted some kind of closure. She looked so... innocent, just lying there. I mean, I knew she was a crazed psychopathic killer and everything, but lying there, defenseless, helpless, she was just another young girl.

It's her eyes, I think, that give her that dark edge. They're so haunted, the browness of them almost black most times. I can't help but wonder what those eyes have seen. But when she was in that coma, eyes closed, I couldn't pretend that I hated her. I felt so damn guilty, looking at her. Partly because I put her there, partly because I couldn't get through to her when she really needed someone. I felt like I let her down, failed her in some way. Maybe I did. Maybe her coming back is a chance for all of us to make up for past mistakes. I don't know.

What I do know is that she picked a bitch of a time to come back. Things have been strained lately... on all fronts. Since Spike tried to split us up when he was working with Adam, things haven't been the same. Maybe it's just part of us all growing up. I mean, Will has Tara, Xander has Anya, I have Riley, and *uurgh* - Giles even has Mom, still getting used to that one. Maybe we just don't need each other as much anymore.

But things with Riley aren't exactly peachy either. Lately we've been... I don't know, distant, I guess. It's like we're burnt out or something. And the worst part of it is, he's a nice guy, a really nice guy. And I don't want to hurt him, but I really don't see us having a future together and I don't know how to tell him. But I know I have to... maybe sooner rather than later.

He told me once if I was going to break his heart, to do it quickly. I think I've let him down in that respect. For the past couple of months we've been growing apart and I think we both know it's just a matter of time until we're over.

Suddenly I really don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to think, period. I'm tired, exhausted more like, and emotionally drained. Hell, maybe it'll all make more sense in the morning. Mostly I'm just glad this day is over... or maybe not.

"Riley?"

He's standing outside my dorm room and he's got "Army-Face" on.

"We need to talk."

Damn, this is going to be "The Talk". "Okay."

I open the door and let him in. Willow isn't here. I'm not surprised, she's been spending more and more time at Tara's recently. At least one of our group's relationships is functional. Sitting on the bed, I wait for him to start.

"What's going on Buffy?"

Yeah, good question. Been asking myself that too. "How do you mean Riley?"

"I mean you and me. Lately we've been... I don't know. I don't feel close to you anymore. Like you've been drawing away over the past couple of months. I know we're not going to be perfect all the time, we'll have our ups and downs, I know, but when you attacked me over *her*. What is it Buffy?"

"Riley, I'm sorry, but you *weren't* here for the Ascension. And it's not as cut and dry as you seem to think."

"How complicated can it be? She went to work for the bad guys. And judging from what she did when she woke from her coma she wasn't exactly remorseful about it."

"See that's where you're wrong. It *was* complicated. Riley, Faith... Faith is what I could have been. If I didn't have Giles, if I didn't have my friends, my Mom to support me. She didn't have that. And I'm not excusing what she did, but I can't help but feel that if I had gotten through to her when she killed Finch, that maybe that would have made all the difference."

"Maybe... maybe." he's quiet for a minute, gathering himself before he goes on the offensive "But you didn't. And I'm guessing it wasn't from lack of trying. What happened happened, you have to move on, both of you. Her being here isn't going to help that."

That gets my blood up. He really doesn't get it, does he?

"Her being in a coma didn't help it. Her being in jail didn't help it either. Kinda running out of things that will help Riley. But one thing that I know isn't going to help is you jumping down her throat and putting her on the defensive again."

"Well I'm sorry Buffy, but she used me. And that's not something I can just forget."

"No one's asking you to, Riley. And if you think she used you, think about what she put me through. But I'm willing to give her another chance, I'm asking you to do the same."

"Why?"

"Because... Because I believe she's honest when she says she wants to change. I think she wants to try and make up for what she did."

He just stares at me for a moment and then he seems to deflate. He sits on the bed across from me, resting his elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

"This isn't really about Faith, is it?" he looks up and I can see what he's going to say in his eyes. "It's about us."

"I don't know what it's about, Riley, but... yeah, I've felt a distance between us recently."

He's quiet for a long moment.

"Is it me?" he asks.

"No, I... It's us, I think. We're just... it's not working anymore."

He sighs and nods and there's not much either of us can say now.

"So that's it."

"I guess." I reply. I'm not going to insult him with the "we can still be friends speech." If he wants to, that's good, coz I do still want him to be a part of my life. But if he wants to walk away, then I'll let him. "I'm sorry Riley. You're a nice guy, and we were good together but..."

"Yeah. I know. We're not anymore."

Even in a break up he's still Mr. Nice Guy. Not bitter, not angry, just calmly accepting.

"I'll understand if you want to walk away, Riley. But there's still a whole lot of evil out there to be fought and... well, you're part of the team so... are you still part of the team?"

He smiles a little. "Yeah. Yeah, I am. I just... I need some space, some time. But I'm still on your side, always."

"Thanks Riley."

"Well... it's late. I'd better go." He stands to leave.

"Riley?" he turns. "I'm sorry." I say quietly.

"So am I," he practically whispers, and then he's gone.

I sigh, flopping back onto my bed. This day has just gotten better and better. And we still have Faith to deal with. There are some days when I wish things were a little less hellmouthy and a whole lot less complicated. Then again, if they were, it wouldn't be Sunnydale.

That's when I remember, not only do I have a maybe reformed Slayer, just become ex-boyfriend, and very angry friends to deal with on top of the usual nightly slaying of the undead, but I have a chem test in the morning. Great.

*****

My sleep that night is filled with dreams that I can't quite remember in the morning. I just have a vague image of haunted brown/black eyes.

Heaving an internal sigh, I get up and dressed to start what I'm sure is going to be another long day.


	3. The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non-Con/underage trigger warning.

//she's not the kind of girl  
who likes to tell the world  
about the way she feels about herself...//

I'm walking through the campus of Sunnydale University, on my way to find B, and I'm feeling strangely fine. It's not like I'm on top of the world or nothing, but lately things are looking up. I mean, I'm out of jail, that's definitely a good thing. And Buffy didn't kick my ass for coming back to Sunnydale, also good. And Giles isn't gonna get the tweeds from England involved which means one less group of people I have to worry about lynching me. Of course there's still the Scooby gang to worry about, Beefstick mostly.

But I'm hoping I can win them over... eventually. It may take some time, it's definitely gonna take some work. But I'm looking at it as a challenge - to prove to them that they can trust me. And I've never backed down from a challenge. People see that as weak, and I learnt young how to be strong.

_Her mother, screaming, yelling. Faith trying not to cry - crying earns you extra beatings. Trying not to scream as the cigarette burns into her arm. One more scar that no one cares enough to question..._

I'm halfway across campus when I see Red's girl, Tara, making her way to the school. There's a group of prep girls standing near her. One of them sees her coming and with a toss of her perfectly bleached blond hair she points her out to her mindless little friends. They all laugh and Tara carries on, head down.

Blondie calls out to her. "Hey Tara! Off to see your geeky little *girlfriend*?"

She ignores them and keeps walking and I'm kinda pissed. Never did like preps, always actin' like they're the centre of the fucking universe and ten times better than anyone else. I used to beat up a lot of preps. I pick up my pace 'til I'm beside Tara.

"Hey there."

She looks a little startled to see me. "Um... H-hi."

Valley girl has a falsely sweet smile on her face that my fist is itching to wipe off. "And who's this? Another one of your dykey little friends?"

Okay, if you can't beat them to a pulp, fuck with their heads. I turn to her with my cockiest grin and raise an eyebrow.

"Talkin' to me?"

"I don't see any other desperately-in-need-of-a-makeover fashion victims here."

"Aw..." I walk to her little group slowly, exuding the same kinda charm that makes guys drool and I stop just short of invading her personal space. She's kind of thrown off balance when I reach out and brush a strand of bottle blonde hair back from her face. "Just coz you can't have me, don't mean you gotta be bitter about it."

I take a step closer, dropping my voice to that husky, low register that it takes most other people three packs of cigarettes and a whole lotta booze to achieve. I look at her like I'm sizing her up, and I'm loving the mixture of fear and confusion in her eyes. Then I shake my head and step back. "Nah. Sorry girlfriend, but you're just not my type."

Blowing her a kiss, I turn and walk back to Tara and I know I'm grinning like a fucking cat but hey - It's fun being a bitch. The preps have shut up now and I'm guessing it'll be a while before Blondie's making any smart remarks again. Not to me anyway.

Tara's smiling and trying not to as we start walking again.

"Thanks," she says.

"No worries. Something about her I don't like."

"The fact that she's a b-bitch?" she suggests and I laugh.

"That could be it."

We're nearly at the main building now and B and Red come walking out the door. They see me and Tara, and for a minute I seriously think Red is gonna have a coronary. She shoots daggers at me as they come over.

"Hey guys." B says, giving Willow a warning look. I'm guessing she's told Red to be on her best behaviour.

"Hey." I return. "We gonna train?"

"Yeah," B replies, "The college has a pretty good quality gym and it's always empty right about now. I'll see you later Will, Tara."

"Later." I say to the other two. Tara nods at me and Red is still trying to give me the evil eye. Actually, she's into that whole Wicca gig, maybe she *is* giving me the evil eye. Ah well, not like I don't have a fair share of the forces of darkness in my life anyway. I'd be hard pressed to notice the difference.

*****

The college gym is pretty cool. They have good equipment and an open area in the middle with crash mats that'll be perfect for hand to hand. Which I really need to work on again. I was able to keep my weight training up in the California State Penn, but it was kinda hard finding anyone to spar with. I mean, that's probably coz the first and only person that tried to pick a fight with me caught me on a bad day and ended up with a couple of broken ribs... and a couple of broken arms. So now I guess I'm gonna have to get back into shape.

After a quick warm up we square off on the mats.

"You ready?" B asks.

"Always."

"Well, I'll go easy on you," she taunts with a small smile.

"Okay. I won't."

And we start. I've missed this too, the training, the sparring. The being this close to B when she's in shorts and a sports bra getting all worked up and-

Focus!

I realise I'd better pay attention as a wicked right cross nearly takes my head off. After a lengthy exchange of blows we back off from each other a little, regaining our breath, planning our next moves.

We fall into the old training pattern pretty easily, punch, block, kick, duck, sweep, jump. And we carry on with that for a while. Eventually B backs up a little.

"Had enough already, B?" I grin, knowing she's just getting started.

"What say we take it up a notch, F?" she grins back. Well bring it on!

Faster now, and a little harder. Still pulling our punches, but only just. If we were sparring with anyone other than a Slayer they'd be in some very serious pain by now. But I know her moves, her style, and she knows mine. And we're pretty evenly matched. She's stronger than me, and a little quicker, but I have the height and weight advantage and I can read her movements well.

She swings at me and I duck, grabbing her by the shoulder to try and throw her down, but she grabs my arm and takes me with her. I'm caught off guard and the next thing I know she has me pinned. I mean *really* pinned, and the memories this position brings crash down on me and an all-consuming panic comes over me. I try to fight her off, try to free my hands, try anything, but she's too strong...

_Too strong. Lying on top of her, pinning her down. Her two small wrists held in one of his hands._

_"You're a little whore, just like your mother."_

_Refusing to cry, refusing to give him the satisfaction of hearing her scream. Shuddering at his voice, gruff and raw as he whispers in her ear. Choking on the smell of alcohol, the smell of his arousal, the smell of him..._

_Trying, desperately, to push him off. Too weak... too small... helpless._

*****

"Faith. Faith!"

I try to calm her down, half afraid she'll hit out if I let go of her wrists. I'm close to panicking myself as she fights like she's possessed under me. Quickly I let go and back up out of her reach before she can decide to try and pummel me. Something is seriously not right here.

"Faith... are you okay?"

She looks at me and her thoughts are a million miles away. And wherever they are isn't particularly pleasant. Then she shakes it off and gives me a weak version of her trademark grin.

"Five by five. Sorry bout that, B. You caught me off guard is all."

Okay, Faith as a rule - not the most stable person, but the way she reacted was out of line, even for her. When I pinned her she was scared. No, not just scared, *terrified*. And I don't think it was of me, either.

Before I can say anything else the bell goes and she picks herself up.

"Guess you'd better get back to class, huh?"

She looks okay, and I'm briefly tempted to shower, change and do just that, but in a brief moment of sanity I realise that I can't let her keep pulling away. That's what happened last time and look where it got us.

"Faith." I force her to make eye contact with me. "What was that about?"

"Nothin', B, I told ya. Caught me by surprise." Her reply is classic Faith, all bravado and nonchalance. But she's not untouchable, and I saw that look in her eyes, the scared look, that vulnerability she tries so hard to conceal.

"No." I reach out a hand to stop her as she packs her bag. "I'm calling your bluff. Faith... talk to me."

She stops and looks at me, and for a second, just a second, there's a crack in her facade. Then the door to the gym opens and Coach Fuller walks in.

In an instant the walls are back up and she turns away from me, throwing her gear into the bag.

"Summers, we got a class in here in five. Hurry it up." Coach says and leaves.

He will never know how close he came to having me tear him limb from limb in that instant. I was so close and he... *urrrgh*

"I'll catch you later, B." Faith mutters as she brushes past me and makes her way out.

I'm left standing in the middle of an empty gym with the feeling that something really important just slipped through my grasp.

Damn.

*****

Giles seems encouraged when I tell him what happened. I know he's probably the least hostile towards Faith out of the rest of the gang, not counting Tara and Anya, but then they never really got to see the more... psychotic side of her nature. And I'm almost hopeful at how badly he wants to think that she's... saveable, I suppose, for lack of a better word.

"So you think she might have opened up to you if not for that untimely intrusion?"

I think about that for a minute. I definitely saw something, an openness to her that I haven't seen before. But with Faith it seems like every time I think I've made a breakthrough her defences redouble. One step forward, three steps back.

"It's hard to tell. But I think she might have. And that's something right? I mean, even a "might-have" is better than nothing."

He nods thoughtfully. "Buffy... Do you want to help Faith?"

The question catches me off guard. "Of course I do."

"Why?"

I'm struggling for an answer in a conversation that suddenly seems to have run away from me. He continues.

"I understand that you feel a responsibility for her. As a Watcher I know how that feels. But the things she did to you hurt very deeply Buffy. And I think before you can help her... you have to put those issues to rest."

Much as I don't want to agree with what he's saying, I do. "You think I should have it out with her?"

"I think that if you don't do it now... it will all come out later. And that may have dire consequences."

He's right. If we just go on like this until the past comes back to smack us upside the head, it could drive Faith further away. On the other hand, I doubt she'll be very eager to talk it out now, and if I push her too far... what then?

"I realise this is a delicate situation, and one you'll have to tread carefully but... but I think you have a real chance here Buffy, to reach out to her, to get through to her. What's more I think it may be a chance for you to lay some demons of your own to rest."

"I don't know Giles, I... Some part of me wants to just walk away, y'know. Wash my hands of it all. But another huge part of me knows that what Faith was... what she did, that could have been me. A few different circumstances in my life and I don't know if I could have dealt with what she had to go through. If I hadn't had you guys..."

Dear God, if I hadn't have had the support I did over the last few years I would have gone crazy by now. Maybe the Faith kind of crazy at that.

"And Faith had no-one... Even when I tried to reach out to her, it was like she didn't know how to handle having someone care, she just pushed me further away... How do I know she'll let me in this time?"

"You don't," he says "But I think she's ready now... to let someone help her. And I think you're ready... to try."

*****

I can't believe that happened.

I'm sitting in my motel room, bottle of vodka on the dresser beside the bed. I had thought about drinking until I couldn't think or feel. That'd be nice. Unfortunately with the amount of alcohol I have in stock and the rate the Slayer metabolism works it off, my one bottle of Absolut will barely give me a buzz. It's not worth it.

So instead I'm watching tv. Or staring at the screen at least. My mind's alternating between the gym earlier today and my small, dark bedroom ten years ago.

I was terrified. I haven't thought about him in so long. And I don't want to think about him now but I can't stop. It's like someone opened a door in my head and they've got their foot stuck there to stop me from closing it. I hate how he can still make me feel this way. Powerless, helpless.

I'm not helpless damnit! I'm the Slayer. I'm strong, I'm fast, I'm unbeatable... I'm an eight year old kid who's stepfather is stronger than her. And a part of me is always going to be that kid, always. Forever lying in the dark, scared and trembling. Always listening, waiting... waiting to hear the creak of the step, seventh from the bottom, that means someone's on the stairs... waiting for the snick of the door handle that means he's in my room... waiting for the feel of the bed depressing...

_"that's my Faithy."_

waiting for his voice in my ear...

_"be a good girl, now. y'hear._

waiting for his hands on my body...

_"whore..."_

Fuck! I am not going to remember this! I'm not. Think about something else... anything else. Maybe that vodka isn't such a bad idea.

The first time he took me. The fear and confusion. He told me I was pretty, that I had a beautiful face. Then he started touching me and I froze... The feeling of something being so wrong and so good at the same time.

Screw this! I'm draining the last of the vodka now and it's making no difference.

_"you're a good girl Faithy."_

_His hands under the covers, and now it's not feeling good at all, but completely wrong. He's hurting her and when she tries to cry out he clamps a hand down over her mouth._

_"No, shut up! Shut the fuck up, you little whore!"_

_Pulling down her shorts and then rolling on top of her, driving into her hard. The burning, searing pain as he rips and tears into her, over and over._

_She's crying and struggling. Suffocating under his weight, begging him to stop. But he's bigger and stronger and he has her pinned down and she can't move. And just when she's in danger of seriously running out of air, it's over and he pulls out. He gets off the bed and pulls his pants up and he looks down to where she's curled in a ball, whimpering quietly in pain, fear and confusion as the blood soaks into the sheets._

_"Dirty little whore, just like your mother."_

_And he walks out, leaving Faith alone in the dark to cry herself to sleep._

*****

There's a knock at the door and I'm really not in the mood for this. It's B, I know - not like I'm Miss Popular, who else is it going to be? Fuck... I don't want to talk to her right now. Bad enough she had to see me freak out on her earlier now I'm sitting here drinking in my motel room in the middle of the day. Great impression I'm making on my "Big Return" ain't it?

She knocks again.

"Faith? It's me... Buffy."

Well I suppose it's not like I'd be able to get rid of her if I wanted to. "Come in."

She walks in and takes in the empty bottle in my hand.

"You've been drinking?"

"I've been thinking."

She sits on the bed beside me.

"About what?"

Can I do this? Can I open up to her? I thought I could... once. After that whole thing with Gwendolyn Post, and B came to see me.

//"I know this may sound funny coming from someone who spent a lot of time kicking your face but... you can trust me. I'm on your side."//

She was walking out and I thought 'hold on a minute. she means that.'

//"Buffy?"//

For the first time in a long time I had someone who'd stand by me.

//"Yeah?"//

Or would she? People who seemed to care about me always seem to have a nasty habit of either walking out on me, screwing me over, or winding up dead.

//"Nothing."//

So what about now? Maybe it's the alcohol. Maybe it's because I'm so damn tired of fighting, of trying to keep a hold of everything inside of me and being scared when it gets out of control. Maybe it's the fact that even after everything we've been through, everything I've done to her, she's sitting here in my room trying to reach out to me and for once I'm going to be smart and not take her willingness to help for granted.

"A lotta stuff. Mostly how I freaked on you earlier."

"You wanna talk about that?"

I take a deep breath. Kinda wishing there was more vodka now. I take another deep breath, not that it seems to be helping. I really, really do hate these kinda talks. Alright, just tell her, it's no big deal, right? Yeah... like fuck.

"It was... when you pinned me, it kinda reminded me of some stuff... My stepfather..."

I finally work up the nerve to make eye contact. She's quiet, not jumping in with questions or nothin'. Just listening. Maybe I can do this after all. Okay... might as well start at the beginning.

"I... I never knew my real father. I don't think Mom knew who he was either." Ain't that the truth. When it comes to screwing guys Mom made me look like a fuckin' nun.

"She always had guys round at the house and she'd screw 'em for money or crack or... well, just for the hell of it."

I'm fidgeting again. I hate when I do that, but I can't stop. Nervous habit. And I'm damn nervous right about now.

"When I was eight, she married her dealer and he moved in. Rob - he was a total bastard. I mean, Mom was no saint" I have the scars to prove that, "But Rob used to beat up on her and shit and..."

Hard part now.

"Well, a couple of nights after he moved in, he uh..."

I can't do this! Why is it so damn hard to say the words? He raped me. He held me down and fucked me raw. But I can't say that, the words just can't get past the sudden lump in my throat. Fuck that - I am *not* going to cry.

There's a hand on my back, gentle, reassuring.

"You can tell me, Faith."

I look up at her and there are tears running down her cheeks. She's crying. She's crying for me, and there's no way I can hold it together anymore. Sobbing, I break down.

"He raped me."

My voice is choked and I can hardly breathe. I haven't cried since I was ten and it's all catching up with me now. I start to bawl like a kid, but fuck it feels good. I've been holding onto that for so long, giving him so much power over me. And now I've released it and it hurts like hell, but it's a good hurt, coz I know it'll get better.

Buffy puts her arms around me, pulling me close.

"Shhhh, Faith. It's okay. Let it out. Let it go."

And I do. I let go of everything and all I have is Buffy, holding me tight against her, murmuring reassurances in my ear. I don't know how long we stay like that but when we eventually break apart she smiles at me with that little half-smile that hits me straight in the gut every time. She reaches out a hand to brush away the tears on my face.

"It will get better from here Faith, I promise."

She's only inches away from me, the distance between us measured in a breath. So close that I can smell that vanilla scent that always seems to cling to her, I can see the gold flecks in her deep green eyes that are still glistening with tears.

I don't know which of us it is that closes the gap between us, but now slowly and softly she's kissing me. It's different from anything I've experienced before, there's no force, no demand, no expectation. Just her lips on mine with a passion behind her tenderness that ignites every part of me.

Usually I'm the one taking the lead, but when she runs her tongue over my upper lip I'm perfectly content to follow where she takes me. She deepens the kiss, slowly, sensuously, taking her time, and I'm memorising every stroke of her tongue on mine, storing the memory away for safe keeping. If there has been one perfect moment in my life, this is it.

That one kiss seems to last an eternity until eventually she pulls back for air. She rests her forehead against mine, her hand still tangled in my hair, and briefly I wonder if it's actually possible to die from happiness.

There's a whole lot of stuff I want to tell her. How beautiful she is, how much she means to me, how I want to hold her and never let her go. But I don't trust myself to speak right now, and I'm almost afraid that if I say something I'm gonna shatter this spell. So we stay like that, content to just look at each other.

Then her eyes flick to the clock on the dresser and the real world suddenly kicks back in. "Damn," she sighs, "I told Giles we'd be at his place by six."

Slowly, and very, very reluctantly, I let go and stand up. "Then we should hurry."

"Yeah," she agrees, equally reluctant.

I throw my jacket on and open the door when her hand on my arm stops me. Sliding her arms under the jacket and around my waist, she leans in to kiss me briefly. God, I could get used to this.

"Let's go." She says, stepping back and holding out her hand for me to take.

Okay... I'm not completely stupid - there are problems with this, I know. One particularly big corn-fed Iowa born Beefstick problem. Plus I'm not exactly the take-home-to-Mom kinda girl, especially not when you've held that Mom prisoner and tied her up in her own home. Not to mention her Scooby gang who, I'm fairly sure would as soon stone me to death as look at me.

But for now I'm gonna take her hand, and let her lead me... to wherever she wants to go.


	4. Wash My Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terrible overuse of song lyrics warning!

//wash my hands of crimes  
pour the water over  
my skin, my spine  
cleanse my soul and ease my mind//

When we get to Giles' Xander, Anya, Red and Tara are the only other ones there. It could just be my imagination, but the temperature drops drastically when I walk into the room, and judging by the way their conversation just stopped, I'm guessing I was under discussion.

"Buffy, Giles called, he's gonna be a little late." Red informs her.

"Well it's not like we've got anywhere better to be." B says as she sits down. "Where is he now?"

"At your Mom's." Xander says. Suddenly I don't think B wants to know what's delayed him. "Anyone want a drink?" he asks, getting up to go into the kitchen.

"I'll give you a hand." I say, standing too. I guess I'm gonna have to have this conversation with him sooner or later, and after what happened with Buffy earlier I'm kinda on a roll with the whole clearing the air thing. He wants to argue, but B shoots him a look so he mumbles "sure".

In the kitchen he keeps his back to me and starts pouring juice.

"Xander... can we talk?"

"I'm gonna go with no. Best as I can remember, last time I wanted to talk you ended up strangling me so... definitely a no."

"I... Xander would you look at me for a minute?"

Finally he stops and turns around. It's obvious he's uncomfortable being alone in the same room as me. Can't particularly blame him seeing as how I did try to kill him and all.

"When you came round that night... I didn't know how to deal, okay. You were reaching out and I didn't know how to handle that. Usually with guys I've been with it's a 'get some, get gone' situation, and then you show up and... well, it kinda threw me."

Coz guys don't care. They can like you, they can want you, they can screw you, but they can't care. Just the way it is.

"I mean, that's no excuse for trying to strangle you, and I'm sorry. That was... well, I guess out of line is an understatement, but... you're a nice guy, Xander. And truth is I'm not all that used to nice guys."

He still looks at me skeptically. "Why did you come back here, Faith? Why put yourself through all of this? Why put *us* through all of this?"

//i've been fixed on all the damage done  
why do i always forget how far i've come?

i'm done dying for the past  
i'm done dying for the past//

"Because for once I want to do the right thing. And I know you may find that hard to believe, 'specially given my track record and all but... I know I hurt you, all of you. And I know it's not gonna be easy to make things right. But I want to try."

Well, they're some of the reasons at least. The main reason is sitting in the next room.

"I'd like to believe you, Faith, I really would. But it's kinda hard to trust someone who's spent a whole lot of time making life miserable for the people I love."

"I'm not asking you to trust me, just to give me a chance to show you that I'm straight up."

He's quiet for a minute, but at least it's not an angry silence. Maybe I've gotten through... maybe.

"We should get these inside." He hands me a few glasses and opens the door for me, ending the conversation.

Giles has arrived now and all three of them look up when the door opens. I think they're half expecting to see blood loss of some kind, and Red seems almost disappointed that there was no shouting match.

"Well... is that everyone?" Giles begins.

"Tara can't make it. Is Riley coming?" Willow asks.

"Umm..." B shifts a little uncomfortably in her chair and looks kinda nervous. I wonder what I've missed. "Riley and I... we broke up last night."

Wow! Okay... information here. Deal with information... process... think. This changes a hell of a lot. So what did that kiss mean? Was it a rebound thing, I mean, B's break-up's tend to be somewhat dramatic, was she just reaching out for someone? I was having a hard enough time trying to come to terms with what it meant to me, now I gotta try and figure out what it meant to her? Fuck.

"Buffy? What... when last night?" Willow does the best-friend thing, going over to sit on the arm of B's chair. Buffy's looking at me, trying to catch my eye but I'm still a little stunned by the whole thing.

"He was outside the dorm when I got back," she explains. "We talked... and we broke up."

"Just like that?" Xander asks.

"No... this has been coming for a while. We both knew it I guess. Actually finishing things was just like a... a formailty really."

"I'm sorry." Willow puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah Buff." Xander smiles sympathetically.

"Thanks guys, but really I'm okay with it." She looks my way. "Maybe it's for the best in the long run."

The rest of the meeting is basically Giles laying down the ground rules that mean I can get back to Slaying. B and I have to patrol together as opposed to splitting the territory between us. In Red's words "It's not that we don't trust you... no wait, it *is* that we don't trust you." And I have to report to the G-Man before I go out on patrol. Which is fair enough. Coulda been a lot worse.

I walk out of Giles' with B, Xander and Anya. They're going to Xander's place and the cemetary that me and Buffy are headed to is on the way. The others make small talk. Or rather Anya says very little coz she ain't exactly Miss Social, B seems almost as distracted as I am, so really Xander talks a lot about nothing.

I don't even try to join their attempt at conversation, I'm too lost in my own head, trying to figure out what the hell Buffy's thinking. And I'm having a hard time finding an answer to that.

*****

The walk to the cemetary seems to take forever. I wish Xander would stop chattering away, I really need to talk to Faith, alone. I can't believe I didn't tell her about Riley. That was stupid, very stupid. God only knows what she's thinking now.

After what seems like a few centuries we're outside the cemetary gate and Xander and Anya head off leaving us alone. Before I can say anything, Faith jumps the gate and starts walking. Damn. I almost have to run to catch up with her.

"Faith... wait."

She stops and turns to me, waiting for me to catch up. "You could have told me." She's not as angry or accusatorial as I expected, she's more hurt, and that's a whole lot worse. "I mean, I understand, y'know, you just broke up so it's what...? A rebound thing? You just curious? What?"

Her insecurity is in full swing here and I know I have to fix this - fast. She's looking at the ground, the tombstones, anywhere but in front of her.

"Faith, look at me."

Slowly she does, and the vulnerability in her eyes breaks my heart, but I hold her gaze. I have to make her see that I mean this.

"Riley and I... we've been breaking up for the last month, at least. This isn't something that's just suddenly happened and thrown me into confusion. When I kissed you, Faith, what I felt was real. It's not me looking to score on the rebound, it's not me being curious, or confused, or wanting to experiment. It's me wanting you, wanting to be with you. It's me caring about you."

I wait for her to say something. Anything.

"Really?"

God, she sounds so small with that one word. I reach out, pushing the hair back out of her face and resting my hand on her cheek.

"Really."

Hesitantly, she smiles at me. She really does have a beautiful smile, I must make sure I get to see it more often.

"I should have told you about Riley, I'm sorry. There just didn't seem to be a good time."

"Things did happen kinda fast." She says a little ruefully.

"You don't regret it... do you?" I say, only half-teasingly. Now who's being insecure?

And now her smile is an all-out Faith grin as she takes me in her arms and pulls me close.

"What do you think?" she growls with her eyebrow raised.

Her mouth is inches away from mine and there's really only one thing you can think in a situation like that.

//say all's forgiven now  
let's call it even shall we?  
can't you judge me for my love and not mistakes i've made?  
i swear by who i am and not by yesterday//

*****

I don't know how we did it, but we actually managed to break away from each other long enough to get some slaying done. There were only a couple of vamps to deal with and they were both young, inexperienced, and dead within a couple of minutes. I walked her back to the motel and now we're standing outside her door, as she fishes for her keys.

"So B, you wanna come in?" she has her keys now and the door is open. "I mean... not to... y'know, just..."

I can't help but smile. Faith's actually babbling. It's kinda sweet. "Sure."

The motel room isn't exactly five star accomodation, but there's something intrinsically Faith about the place. It's bare and somewhat stark but at the same time there's something homely about it. It's kinda sad to think that her whole life is in this one room. But I guess this is all she can afford for now, which reminds me...

"I talked to Mom earlier. About the job."

"Yeah?" she shrugs out of her jacket and grabs a couple of soda cans from the fridge. "What's the verdict?"

"You start Monday."

"Really? Wicked. Thanks girlfriend." she toasts me with the soda. "Here's to... new beginnings."

"I'll drink to that."

"I would offer you something a little stronger but I kinda downed the last of it earlier."

I shudder at the memory of the last drinking spree I went on. "That's okay. Me and alcohol have had bad experiences in the past."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Tree pretty, fire bad."

I laugh at the confused expression on her face. "Never mind. Let's just stay I'm happy to stick to the soft stuff."

"If you say so."

She gets up and puts the radio on, a soft melody in the background.

//you were my wild companion  
we were forever high, high, high  
we burned the night around us  
sleeping could wait until we die

you wear the scars of passion  
and since the crashing came  
you've broken every promise  
i walked away, hey//

I see the words strike a chord with her too and I hold her hand as she sits back down. She smiles at me and the song goes on.

//i watched you fall  
i was blind to ya  
was lying to ya

like everybody else who watched you fall  
say they love you but they're laughing  
laughing when you crawl

it's such a weary feeling  
when you've been stealing from yourself  
wishing the world away  
blaming someone else

no one can do this for you  
straighten your head, fix your face  
take all the pain inside you  
wash it away, hey

did I hear you?  
did I try?  
can I forgive myself for  
not standing by

i watched you fall  
i was blind to ya  
was lying to ya

like everybody else who watched you fall  
say they love you but they're laughing  
laughing when you crawl//

As the last notes fade away she looks up at me.

"I'm sorry Buffy. For everything I put you through. I-"

"Shhhh. Don't." I stop her with a finger to her lips. "It's in the past, Faith. I'm just glad that you're back... that we have a second chance."

"And I'm gonna do right this time."

"I know you will." I smile, "Otherwise I'm gonna kick your ass."

She laughs and leans in to kiss me briefly. "It's late, you should go."

"Yeah... I probably should." To be honest I don't think I could get up off this bed for anything short of another apocolypse. "Or... I could not."

She looks like she's struggling with herself for a moment. "Thing is B..." she sighs. "I've screwed a lot of people, but I've never... I've never been with someone I care about. And I do care about you, a lot. And I just... I don't wanna screw things up." She trails off quietly.

I'm really gonna have to do something about this insecurity of hers. I understand that she's a little unsure of herself in a relationship where sex means something more than a quick screw. But I'm sure that what I feel for her is real, and I can only trust that what she feels for me is the same. But what I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that right now, I want her to make love to me, desperately.

"Faith... do you trust me?"

She smiles at me. "With my life."

I nod slowly. "With your heart?"

She gives that due consideration before replying.

"Yeah."

It's just one word, but its implications go beyond that. It's acceptance.

"I want to be with you, Faith." I run my hand down the side of her face. "Make love to me."

She hesitates. "Are you sure?"

And she's so open, so honest, so vulnerable, and so achingly, achingly beautiful that I know without a doubt that I've fallen for her right there and there's only one thing I can do.

"I'm sure." I whisper as I lean in to capture her lips with my own.

*****

It's early morning now, starting to get bright out and the first few rays of sunshine pick up the highlights in the blonde head that rests on my shoulder. It's an incredible feeling, holding her in my arms, feeling her heart beating next to mine. I don't know how long exactly I've been lying here just watching her sleep, but I'm pretty much certain I could lie here forever.

She stirs a little, tightening her hold around my waist and I smile at how peaceful she looks, how beautiful.

I've screwed plenty of people, but I'd never made love to someone before. She was so gentle, so tender. There was no rush to get off and get out. She took her time, patiently memorising every part of me, mapping me out under her hands. And I melted under her touch.

I cried when I came in her arms, and she held me, snuggling in close and whispering to me. Funny, but I never had myself down as the snuggling type before. And the sweetest sound I've ever heard was her moaning my name as she climaxed.

And now I'm lying here with her in my arms and life really doesn't get much better than this. I know that soon she'll have to get up for school and I should probably drop by Joyce's today, thank her for the job and all. But for now I'm happy to just lie here.

She stirs again and now I have a pair of sleepy emerald green eyes staring at me.

"Well good morning gorgeous." I say as I kiss her forehead lightly.

"Mmmmmm..." she yawns and stretches slowly. "Hey you."

I have to clear my throat before I trust myself to talk. Having a very naked Buffy stretching on top of you can give a girl ideas. And apparently they're the same ideas that B's having as her hands start travelling.

"Don't you have school soon?" I'd better point this out now before I lose all ability for coherent thought.

"Mmm-hmm." She's biting lightly at a very sensitive spot on my neck. "Your point?"

God that feels good. "Hmmm...? No point. Just checking."

"Good." She continues her assault on me and soon everything fades away except for her hands on my body, the feel of her moving under me, her soft moans in my ear.

In L.A. I started looking for my redemption. And now I think I've found it. And the best part? - this is just the beginning

//i'm done dying for the past  
i'm done dying for the last  
for the last time  
the last time//


	5. Weathering The Storm

//so close your eyes  
for that's a lovely way to be  
aware of the things  
your heart alone was meant to see

the fundamental loneliness goes  
whenever two can dream a dream together//  
~Antonio Carlos Jobim "Wave"

I eventually arrive at school having missed the first two classes. But I'm *really* not complaining. I mean, given the choice between a very long, very boring lecture, or a couple of hours in the company of a very... attentive, Faith - well, what's a girl to do?

She said she was going to drop by the gallery today, check out the new place of employment. I'm still kinda surprised at how quickly Mom said yes when I asked her to take Faith on there. I mean, Faith did tie her up and hold her captive. And Mom has a tendency to be somewhat... overprotective at times, not that I can blame her given my track record. But I did expect a little more objection on her part.

Although, one way I'm sure to get objection is when I tell her about me and Faith. Then the objection will be loud and vigorous, I'm sure. She took it badly enough when I told her Riley and I broke up. She really liked him, partly coz he's just such a damn nice guy, but I think mostly coz he was an improvement on Angel, in her mind anyway. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to weather the storm that's sure to come when I break the news to her. Before I even think about that though... I have to tell the gang. And speaking of...

"Hey Buffy."

Will's already sitting in the lecture hall with Tara, I grab a seat next to them.

"Willow, Tara, hey."

"Wasn't too sure if you were gonna show today. And you didn't come back to the dorm last night. Is everything okay?" I recognise this tone of voice. It's partly, 'as your friend I was worried, are you okay?' And partly, 'I sense there's a story behind this and I want to know all.'

"Everything's fine. We finished patrol kinda late. I crashed at Faith's."

"Oh."

Damn, I can't even say her name without Willow freezing up. This is not going to be easy, but I'm gonna wait and tell them all together. Like tearing off a bandage, get all their reactions out of the way at once rather than prolong what's sure to be a delightful experience.

At lunch. Xander and Anya usually drop by campus around then. Yeah... I'll tell them at lunch.

*****

Lunch comes all to quickly.

We're all sitting outside coz it's too hot a day for the cafeteria. This is good, gives me more room to maneuvre if they start throwing things at me and I need to run.

"So did patrol go okay last night?" Xander asks. "Manage not to kill any people?"

"Patrol was fine." Okay... while we're on the topic of Faith, time to lead into this conversation gently. "I know you guys still have a lot of hostility towards Faith, but she really has changed."

"So she says..." Willow sounds beyond sceptical.

"Yeah, I mean, she said she was on our side before... she just left out the whole 'I'm working with the Mayor to bring about the Ascension' part. What makes you think she's being honest with us this time?" Xander asks.

"Because she's starting to open up. And I think this time she really wants to do the right thing. She's had a hard time of it, but she made the decision to change, and she's working to do that. Do you really think she would have come back and listened to you all attack her and drag up the past if she wasn't trying to make amends? Do you really think she'd put herself through that?"

They're quiet for a minute until Xander speaks up.

"Okay Buffy, I gotta ask... Why are you suddenly so pro-Faith? I mean, out of everyone here you're the one she's hurt the most. And there was a time you would have run her out of town if she just suddenly showed up asking for forgiveness. C'mon, you stabbed her, you followed her to L.A. to make sure she was brought to justice, but now you're being ultra-defensive just because she says she's not Psycho Slayer anymore. Why? What's changed?"

Okay, here goes... won't this just be a barrel of brutal, vicious fun?

"Well... there's something I need to tell you guys."

Deep breath. I can get through this.

"About me and Faith..."

*****

The gallery is pretty cool. I mean there's some pretty wicked weapons and stuff that Joyce told me were pre-something or other, which apparently makes them *really* old as opposed to just old. And I'm starting to think I might kinda like working here. Plus, it'll provide money, which is something I could do with right about now.

Joyce has just finished giving me the grand tour and I'm sitting across from her in her office.

"So, have you any questions?"

"Nah, everything's five by five. Thanks again for letting me work here, I didn't think you'd be too keen on it. Y'know, after everything."

"That's okay. I think it's good that you're making an effort to repair some of the damage you've done, Faith. I'm glad I can help."

I still don't get her. "Thanks Mrs. Summers."

There's a brief silence where she looks like she's working up to say something difficult.

"Faith, can I ask you something, about Buffy?"

Uh oh. "Sure, shoot."

"Well, I assume you know she broke up with Riley?" I nod, keeping my expression guarded. "Did she maybe mention why...? I mean he was such a nice boy. I really thought they might last. Has she... has she said anything to you."

Could this conversation possibly be any more awkward? Really not wanting to talk about B's love life here.

"Well, not really specifically but... I guess they just grew apart, y'know? Wasn't meant to be."

She smiles a little sadly. "I just... I was just so happy she was in a *normal* relationship for once, after everything that happened with Angel."

Normal relationship, right.

B suggested she'd tell her friends on her own, but we'd break it to Giles and her Mom together. I think it's mostly coz she wanted to spare me from what the Scooby gang will have to say, but she'd like me there to back her up with the parental units. I'm happy to play it whatever way she wants, they're her people after all, but I somehow doubt Joyce's reaction is going to be that great. Still, if she can come to terms with her daughter dating the undead, maybe there's a chance for me.

*****

I head back to the motel when I'm finished at the gallery, and when I reach my room, B's standing outside, leaning on the porch rails. She looks up at me when I stand beside her and the look on her face says it all.

"Did things go that badly?"

She looks down at the grass below us, not able to meet my eyes. "Yeah, they kinda did."

Damn.

I put an arm around her and she rests her head on my shoulder. "I guess it was kind of to be expected though. I mean, I did try to kill Xander, and Red was never too fond of me even before everything happened. They're your friends though, B, they'll come around."

She's really upset and it breaks my heart to see her like this. "Some of the things they said, Faith... I mean, they found it easier to accept that I was dating a 240 year old vampire, and look at their significant others, neither of them are in a position to preach."

"Then again, neither of their significant others hurt people close to them."

"Angel did. He killed Miss Calendar, and sure, they had issues after that, but they still accepted that I wanted to be with him."

Sure they did, I mean, B and Angel, the big love, who's gonna try and stand in the way of that? Okay, so I did, but who in their right mind would stand in the way of that?

"That was different though, wasn't it? I mean, Angel did what he did coz he lost his soul, I chose to do what I did. And as for them accepting you two together, well... it was you and Angel, course they're gonna accept it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you guys had a history... Before he went evil and all, you guys were like, the real thing. And even after everything, they'd have to have been crazy not to see how much you loved him."

"But I love you... and they can't see that."

Wow. Something hits me when she says that - a cross between an almost mind-numbing fear and total and unbelievable happiness, and it hits me hard. No one's ever told me that except to get me into bed, and even then I'd rather they didn't say it. It just complicates things, adds expectations and shit when I really don't need them. But with Buffy I realise that I want her to say it, I need her to say it. Why...?

"I love you too, B."

Because I do. For the first time ever it's not about sex, or power, or getting a kick out of playing mind games with someone. I feel things when I'm with her that I've never felt before. I think she realises how much it means to me to say that to her. She takes my hand and smiles *that* smile.

"This will all work out."

I don't know which of us she's trying to convince the most, but for now I'm willing to believe her. And what's more I'm determined it will work out. B needs her friends to accept this so she can be happy, and so I'm gonna make sure they do accept it... if it kills me.

"I know it will."

She puts her arms around my neck and kisses me, and it amazes me just how much feeling she can convey in a kiss. We're so distracted by each other that neither of us hears what's coming until it's too late. Much too late.

"BUFFY?!"

She pulls back so quick, it's a wonder she didn't get whiplash.

"Mom?!"

Joyce and Giles are standing there looking more than a little shocked. Although, if I didn't know better I'd say the G-Man was almost... grinning? Joyce's reaction, on the other hand, is a little more definite.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

This comment is directed at me but I seem to be temporarily unable to say anything that remotely resembles a word. Making a sentence is beyond me. Fortunately B jumps in.

"Mom, I'm sorry, this isn't how I wanted you to find out."

"Find out what, exactly?"

"Joyce... maybe we should take this inside. Sit down and discuss it calmly." Giles suggests.

Joyce is about to argue but Giles puts a hand on her arm. "Fine." She mutters.

Giles and Joyce take the two crappy chairs that my motel room has to offer, while B and I sit on the bed, an acceptable distance between us. I can practically see the steam shooting from Joyce's ears.

"I want an explanation... now."

"Explanation's pretty simple, Mom - Faith and I are together."

Joyce just shakes her head. "Why do you do this to yourself, Buffy? I mean first the Angel thing... and now you break up with Riley, a perfectly nice, normal boy, for *her*? You have to know this will never work."

There's a fire that sparks in Buffy's eyes when she says that.

"Actually I don't know that. And you don't know it either."

"Don't I? For God's sake, Buffy, think about this for a minute. Think about everything she put you through. Think about what you've done to her in the past. Can you honestly tell me you're just going to forget that?"

"No. We're not trying to forget it. We've dealt, we're moving on."

"She's going to hurt you, Buffy."

I haven't said a word since we got in here but before B can reply I speak up.

"Look... Mrs. Summers, I understand where you're coming from, 'specially after what I've done." I have everyone's attention now, here goes nothing. I *really* hate these kinda talks. "But when I was in Buffy's body and we were talking... you said you thought I was desperately unhappy. I was.

"I was angry, at everyone, mostly at myself, and I took that out on anyone that tried to help. Buffy's the only one who didn't give up on me. I kept pushing her away and she kept coming back, even though it must've killed her.

"And when I'm with her, I'm happy - really happy for the first time in my life. I can't promise I'm never gonna hurt her, no one can make that kinda guarantee. But all I want is for her to be happy too. I know you find this hard to accept, but I love her very much."

*****

I'm torn between crying at how open that speech was and cheering when I see Mom is affected by it too. She looks to Giles for reassurance but he just shrugs and smiles at me.

"If there's one thing I've learnt about Buffy over the past few years," he says, "It's that she will always march to the beat of her own drummer."

And that's clinched it. Mom and looks between me and Faith and sighs. "Well... once you're happy. I suppose that's the main thing."

"I am, Mom. I really am." I smile at Faith and she grins back.

We did it. Surprising as it is, Mom's accepting this. She may not be a hundred percent behind us, she may not even be particularly happy about it, but she's accepting it. And Giles seems pretty okay with it too. Two down...

Mom and Giles leave pretty quickly once that conversation is over and I stand at the door to wave them off. Faith comes up behind me, wraps her arms around me and kisses me on the cheek. It amazes me just how safe I feel in her arms.

"That went well... considering." She says.

"Yeah. It did. Mostly coz of what you said."

"Meant every word. If it wasn't for you I'd have given up a long time ago."

I turn around to face her. God, her eyes are so expressive, how did I not notice that before? I guess with the fighting and trying to kill each other, I kinda wasn't looking hard enough.

"I'm always gonna be here for you, Faith. Always."

"I'm gonna hold you to that." She grins.

Okay... we seem to be on a roll with the whole, getting us out in the open thing, there's only one person left. And what total fun this is going to be. I guess I'm gonna find out just how far I can push that Mr. Nice Guy exterior before it cracks.

"Faith... I have to tell Riley."

Her smile fades. "Yeah. Yeah I suppose you do. You wanna do it alone? Coz I'll back you up if you want, but..."

"No, no. I should talk to him alone. He'll probably take it better that way."

She nods. "You're probably right. You're going now?"

Might as well get it over with. "Yeah."

"You'll come back here when you're done?"

"Absolutely."

"Alright." She kisses me briefly. "There's some errands I gotta run so just let yourself in if I'm not here wen you get back."

Yeah, there's a little errand I need to run when I'm done too. No, I'm not gonna think about that now. "Sure." I nod.

"Okay so... good luck."

I'm gonna need it.

*****

Riley's reaction to me showing up on his doorstep is kind of an unexpected one. He opens the door, sees me, and walks back into his room, leaving the door open.

A little unsure of what that's supposed to mean, I follow him in, shutting the door behind me. He's sitting on the bed, just looking at me, and his eyes are cold and hurt.

"So am I the last to know?" He says harshly.

"What?"

"About you and Faith. Am I the last to know?"

Oh shit.

"You know? How?"

"I ran into Willow."

Oh this is not good. "I'm sorry, Riley, I should have been the one to tell you."

"Why? So you can rub it in personally? So you get the satisfaction of telling me face to face?"

I can't believe Willow told him. Well, actually I can believe it. She was the angriest out of the group when I told them. It'll probably be a while before she talks to me again. I just wish she hadn't told Riley.

"I came here because I didn't want you to hear it as second-hand gossip. Seems I'm a bit too late."

He laughs humourlessly. "Yeah, it is. You know what, why don't you just get out Buffy? I don't think there's anything we've got to say to each other."

"I'm sorry that you're hurt, Riley. I didn't want to do that."

"Just go, Buffy. I'm sure Faith's waiting for you. I mean, what was it about her, huh? The tight pants? The fact that she's never said no to a screw in her life? Or does someone just have to have been a psychopathic murderer at some point to get with you?"

I'm seriously considering beating him to death right now, but that'll just cause more problems. It's a supreme struggle but I get my anger under control.

"What I see in her, Riley, is something you never will. And I'm sorry for that. Mostly, I'm sorry for you. Faith is a good person, she has a good heart. I know you don't see that, but you don't know her. You never knew her."

"I knew enough."

"No, you didn't. You didn't see her before the Ascension. You've never seen the scared side of her, the vulnerability she works so hard to hide. You've never seen it because you never looked for it. But it is there, Riley."

He's quiet for a long moment. When he speaks again it's harsh and angry.

"Do you love her?"

"Riley..." Don't make me answer that, Riley. It'll only hurt you.

"It's a simple question, Buffy." His voice goes up a few decibels. "Do you love her?"

"Yes."

He nods and I can see he's fighting back tears.

"Then there's nothing left to say. Just leave."

So I do.

*****

I have to ask some kid if she knows where B's dorm room is. Fortunately she does and I head up. I know B ain't gonna be here, but that's cool. It's not her I want to see.

"Faith?"

Red's face twists in that way it does when she's really pissed and I seriously think she's gonna slam the door in my face. Instead she stands her ground.

"Go away."

Not gonna happen, Red.

"You and I need to talk."

"No we don't. I need to study coz I have an exam tomorrow, and you need to go away."

"You're hurting her, you know?"

I feel kinda stupid having this conversation in the middle of the hallway but there's things that need to be said. So I'm gonna say 'em.

Red glares at me.

"You are. You guys are her friends, and I don't know what exactly you said to her earlier on, but whatever it was really cut her up."

She makes a disgusted little noise in the back of her throat and walks away from me into the room. I follow her.

"She needs you right now."

"What Buffy needs right now is serious psychiatric help."

Okay, this is getting us nowhere fast, time to cut to the chase.

"I'm not asking you to like me, Red. Matter of fact, if I'm gonna be perfectly honest-"

"Please do." she says in her best condescending tone.

"I couldn't give a flying fuck what you or the rest of your little posse think about me. But Buffy, for some reason, thinks of you guys as friends. So if you want to hate me? Fine. You want to disapprove of me and B being together? Fine. But don't punish her for it, don't push her away. Coz if you do - it'll be your loss."

I turn and I'm halfway out the door when she stops me.

"Faith?"

"What?"

"If you hurt her..."

"Look around, Red. I'm not the one who's hurting her right now."

*****

I'm lying on the bed in Faith's motel room, waiting for her to get back. On my way here from Riley's I made a brief stop - a brief stop that confirmed my suspicions. And now I somehow have to tell Faith.

Jesus, I can't do that. She's gonna hate me. Worse, she's gonna pity me. Worse than that, she'll probably leave me. God, this is so unfair. I've only just gotten her and now I'm gonna lose her. Oh Christ, how am I supposed to tell her that-

The door opens and she walks in, looking damn happy with herself. Stretching out beside me on the bed, she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close so that my head rests on her shoulder. After a moment of very comfortable silence she says, "I went to see Willow."

Uh oh. "Faith, you didn't."

"No, it's okay. We got a lot of stuff out in the open. I think maybe we resolved some things."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Things are looking up, B."

You think? Oh God... I really don't think I can do this. I have to do this. She'll find out soon enough anyway. Plus I'm a nervous wreck after just half an hour of not telling anyone. No way I could keep it up. So what's the best way to phrase this? There is no best way to phrase this.

Faith must notice something's up because she puts her hand under my chin and raises my head so that I meet her eyes. I can't help it - I start to cry.

"B, what's wrong? C'mon, what's the matter, baby?"

"Faith, I uh... there's something I have to tell you. Just... just hear me out. Listen to what I have to say and if you want to leave when I'm done, I won't stop you."

"Leave? Buffy, what...? Will you please just tell me what's going on?"

Oh God, I can't. I can't do this... but I have to.

"Buffy, you're scaring me. C'mon... just tell me. It'll be okay, I promise."

You can't promise that, Faith. I wish you could, but the thing is...

"I'm pregnant."


	6. When Push Comes To Shove

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! Pregnant lesbian trope... what was I thinking?

"You're... what?"

"I'm pregnant."

Oh. Dear. God.

"I-"

"No, Faith. Just let me finish. I'm gonna have the baby. I haven't thought about adoption yet, but there are options I know, I just need time... to think about them all and... I'm babbling now so I'm gonna cut to the chase. I- I know that this is so much more than you bargained for, going into this relationship. So I understand you probably just want to get out of here as quickly as possible and I can't stop you but... but I do still want you in my life and I... well, I'm done now, I guess. So you can go."

Oh my God. She's pregnant. How the hell... well, no - I know how. Don't want to think about that, about her and Riley. Oh fuck - Riley. So... okay, hold on here, the last part of her speech catches up with my somewhat overloaded brain. Leave? Fuck, she thinks I want out. Wait... do I? A kid is a big responsibility and I've never exactly been the responsible type. But isn't that why I'm back in Sunnydale? To start taking responsibility. To start doing the right thing. Maybe, but this...?

"B?"

She's been staring at the cover on the bed for the last few moments but now she looks up at me. She's crying quietly and it breaks my heart. Yeah, this is a huge thing. But... this is Buffy. *My* Buffy.

"I never had much of anything growing up. But in Sunnydale I've got a job, for the first time I've got a place that feels like home... and I've got you. Buffy you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, without a doubt. And if-"

Okay, don't wanna sound like I'm coming on too strong here.

"If you want... if you'd let me, I'd like to be a part of this. I mean, know I'm not much of a role model, and I've never done the whole 'happy families' thing, but-"

"Wait..." she cuts me off, and she's stopped crying now. "Hold on... I drop this on you, out of the blue, the day after we get together, expecting you to run a mile... and you're telling me you want to be a part of this?"

"I-" Huh, I suppose I am. "Yeah I do. I'm here for you, B... I love you."

And now the tears are back. "I love you too, Faith. Oh God, I love you so much." She buries her head in my shoulder and cries. "I didn't mean for this to happen. We..."

"Hey, it's okay. I know. Everything's gonna be cool, B." At least I hope it will. Fuck, if her friends and family were worried about us being together at all, how the hell are they gonna react to this? How would they react to this even if I wasn't in the picture? And mostly, how is Beefstick gonna take it? This is his kid after all.

"Does Riley know?"

"Not yet. Oh God, Faith, how am I gonna tell him. It'll kill him."

Despite my intense dislike of the guy, I do feel a pang of sympathy for him. "'s alright, B. We'll deal. We'll handle it."

I hold her like that, letting her cry herself out, until she falls asleep. Moving as lightly as possible, I extract myself from her grip and cover her with a blanket. Then I head out to patrol. I really need to stake something right now.

*****

When I wake up, Faith's gone. Looking at the clock, I figure she's gone slaying. I'm still a little shocked by her reaction. I honestly expected she'd run a mile when I told her, but she didn't. Then again, maybe she just hasn't had time to think through exactly what this is going to mean. Maybe when she does, she'll realise just how much it is I'd be asking her to do. And I can't ask that of her, can I?

Kids were never an issue with Angel, except for being one of the reasons he left. Kids, family, sex, walks in the sunlight - all things he couldn't give me. But I think we both knew a split was inevitable. Once he came back from hell, there was always this feeling that time was running out. When I was with him I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting time to catch up with us.

With Riley it was the exact opposite. Maybe that's why I was attracted to him in the first place. I thought he was what I needed to get over Angel. And it worked, to some degree. But whereas with Angel I felt our time was limited, with Riley I felt there was way too much of it. Sure, it was good at first, but somewhere in between the routine of push-ups, 3 square meals a day and the hospital corners on the bed, we lost the passion. And what I found with Riley was when you take the passion away, there's not a whole hell of a lot left. Except for his child.

But Faith? I love her, I don't doubt that. And I trust her, I can see the change in her since the last time she was in Sunnydale. But having a child? And so soon after we've started seeing each other?... I don't know. I'm going to need a whole lot more time to think about things before my head is any way straight.

There's a knock at the door and I go to answer it.

"Buffy."

Shit.

"Riley?"

"Willow told me I could find you here."

There's a long moment of awkward silence before I realise he's still standing on the doorstep.

"Uh... come in."

He does and sits on one of the chairs. I sit down across from him. He doesn't seem too hostile, and I wonder why he's here. I figured I'd be the last person he wants to see. Well... actually, second last - Faith's out there somewhere.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "For the way we left things. That's not how I wanted it to be." I stay quiet, there's not much I can say right now. "It just hurt, y'know, when I heard about you and Faith. I guess I didn't like the idea that it took you less than 24 hours to get over me."

"That's not how it was, Riley. And I think you know that. I mean, honestly, when was the last time you felt like you and I were a couple?"

He looks at me with those puppy dog eyes of his. "I know... but it still hurt."

Oh God, Riley. The best is yet to come.

"Look... there's something I need to tell you."

He laughs humourlessly. "Can't be any worse than what I've already heard today."

Don't count on it, Riley, don't count on it.

"Actually... I'm pregnant, Riley."

His face goes from confused, to shocked, to grinning like an idiot. Now I'm confused, he's laughing? He gets up and pulls me out of the chair and into his arms.

"Buffy, this is great. We're gonna have a kid."

He finally puts me down, but keeps his arms around me.

"Look, Riley-"

"I mean, I'm sorry... for you and Faith and all, but this is amazing!"

Oh please don't tell me he thinks... yeah, he thinks alright.

"No, Riley, stop. I'm not going back to you."

His face falls. "What? But... but you're pregnant. It is my child, right?"

"Yes, it's your child. But that doesn't change things between you and me. And for now, that doesn't change things between me and Faith either."

"Buffy don't be ridiculous. A child needs its father."

"Absolutely, Riley. And you will completely be a part of this child's life, I wouldn't try to take that away from you. But I don't love you, Riley. And I'm sorry, but I do love Faith."

He looks genuinely confused, and I really do feel sorry for him. But I'm not going to be with Riley just for the sake of the baby. I grew up with parents in a loveless marriage and there's no way I want to put a child of mine through that.

"Do you honestly think she'll stick around, Buffy? Once push comes to shove, do you think she's gonna be there for you?"

That's the question, isn't it?

"I trust her. If, when she's had time to think this through, she says she's gonna stay, then yeah, I believe she will. But even if she doesn't, Riley - you and I still aren't together."

He shakes his head. "I can't... I have to leave."

He's about to go when the door opens. Faith's standing there and Riley turns on her.

"I hope you're real happy with yourself, Faith. You have a real talent y'know, for fucking up people's lives."

She glares at him for a minute and then turns to me.

"B?"

Her voice is weak and it's only now I notice she's leaning against the doorframe. Oh God.

"Faith? What's wrong?"

I go to her and when I get up close I can see that there's a darker patch on her black t-shirt, spreading from where her hand is placed across her stomach. Her face is pale and it looks like she's having trouble focusing on me.

"I, uh... I think... think I need a doc..."

She slumps and I catch her before she hits the ground. Her hand falls away from where she had placed it and blood starts flowing freely.

"Riley?"

Despite everything he's there when I say his name.

"What can I do?"

"Do you have your car?"

"I'll bring it round front."

He runs out and I grab a couple of towels from the bathroom. Pulling aside her t-shirt I can see there's a long, deep gash running diagonally across her torso. Somebody or something sliced her up. I pad one towel up and press it down against the cut, using the other to tie it in place. It'll slow the bleeding somewhat, I just hope it's enough.

Riley has the car out front now and, lifting Faith in my arms, I carry her out and slide her into the back. I sit with her, her head on my lap as Riley pulls out and heads for the hospital.

Oh God, she's losing so much blood. Faith, hold on baby, please just hold on.

*****

I've always hated hospitals. But I especially hate Sunnydale General. And now is no exception. They rushed Faith into surgery once we got here and she's been in there about half an hour now. I hate waiting like this, I hate how helpless I feel just sitting here. Riley called everyone and Mom and Giles have just arrived. Mom goes to talk to Riley, Giles comes over to me.

"Are you okay?"

I'm still running in Slayer mode. That's the only way I can stop the nervous breakdown I feel coming. Analyse and give the report, all done emotionlessly.

"She got slashed across her stomach but I don't know who, or what, did it. The edges of the wound were clean, not jagged enough to be an animal, so I'm guessing it was a sword of some kind-"

"Buffy."

He stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I look at him and the sympathy and worry in his eyes is obvious. The control I've been keeping on my emotions shatters and I break down. Giles puts his arms around me and lets me cry it out on his shoulder. I'm so scared. God, if I lose her... No, I'm not going to think like that. I can't afford to think like that. Giles steps away as a doctor comes out of the theatre.

"Miss Summers?" she asks.

"Is she okay? Is she gonna be okay?"

"She's lost a lot of blood, but we're doing everything we can. Do you know what happened?"

I shake my head. "No. She just... she walked in and she collapsed. I slowed the bleeding as best I could but..."

"You did a good job," the doctor says. "She's fighting every drop of blood she loses. She's in the best possible hands, I promise you. We'll do everything we can."

Yeah, that sounds like Faith alright, always fighting for something. The doctor gives me one last reassuring smile and leaves. On her way down the corridor she passes Willow, who's just arrived. Great, I really don't need this right now.

"Buffy."

"Here to gloat, Will?"

"No! I..." she looks at the floor and then back up at me. "Faith came to see me earlier, and I've been thinking about some of the stuff she said. My problems with Faith are my problems. I may not like her very much, but that's no excuse for being a bad friend to you."

She puts a hand on my arm. "I'm sorry."

God, it seems like all I've done today is cry. "Thanks." I say as I hug her tightly.

Mom comes over.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Not really. I will be once I know she's okay."

Mom nods and pushes my hair back out of my face. It's a familiar gesture and it brings some comfort. I'm just sorry that it took Faith being almost gutted for me to find out that my friends and family actually are there for me, when push comes to shove.

Xander arrives with Anya in tow.

"Buffy, is she okay?" The hostility is gone and he seems genuinely worried about her. I must tell Faith she should get herself sliced open more often, it seems to be winning people over.

"The doctor says she has a good chance."

"Look, Buffy. I'm sorry about earlier. It's just that... well, I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"I know, Xander. And I know you're just trying to look out for me. I appreciate that, I really do. But try to understand that I love her."

"Yeah." He gives me a small smile. "I think I get that."

*****

An hour later they're still operating on her and my initial panic is now a dull, constant fear in the pit of my stomach. We're all sitting round in the seating area outside the operating theatre and it means a lot to me that my friends are here when I need them.

The door opens and a different doctor in blue scrubs comes out. I'm out of my chair in an instant.

"What's going on? Is she okay?"

"I really can't talk to you right now." He says and goes to push past me. That's it - My lover's lying in there, possibly dying, I'm going out of my head with worry and he's too damn busy to talk to me? I snap.

Before he knows what's happening I have him pinned against the wall, letting him feel the full force of Slayer strength holding him inches off the ground.

"Listen to me carefully coz I'm not going to ask you this nicely again. Tell me what's going on."

"We've done all we can. It's just a case of waiting now." He chokes out.

Riley comes up beside me. The others are standing nearby, ready to intervene. "Let him go, Buffy. C'mon, you shouldn't get yourself worked up like this, it's not good for the ba-"

He winces.

The doctor is now forgotten as I turn on Riley. If looks could kill he'd be dead on the spot.

"Um... that is..."

"Buffy?" Mom asks.

"I'm, uh... I'm pregnant."

"Oh, Buffy."

She sounds so very disappointed, and I can't blame her. But the inevitable conversation is delayed a little longer when the first doctor comes back out.

"We're finished operating now. They're transferring her to the Recovery Ward."

"Can we see her?"

"Yes. She's a little groggy, but she's awake. It might do her good to have a visitor. Just the one though, and not for too long, she's still in a delicate condition."

Faith? Delicate? I must tell her they said that - she'll get back on her feet just to prove them wrong.

"If you'd like to follow me..."

I do. As we walk to the ward the doctor turns to me.

"Are you family?" she asks with a small smile.

I smile back.

"Yes."

*****

When I come to I'm in a ward with three other beds but they're all empty. Sunnydale General, I'm gonna have to start paying rent here soon. I remember what it was like the last time I woke up here - the confusion, the anger, the fear.

That fear wells up again, but just then the door opens and B walks in and smiles at me. And suddenly everything's okay again.

The doc that came in with her checks the chart at the end of my bed. "You're lucky to have come through what you did. Take it easy now, we want you to recover quickly."

Lady, you'd be surprised at just how quickly someone like me can recover.

B pulls up a chair and sits beside the bed, taking my hand in hers.

"You had us scared, Faith." She says quietly, and I can see that she's been crying. "I almost thought I'd lost you..." Her voice catches and she trails off.

I grin at her as best I can. Which, the way I'm feeling, must be pretty weak.

"Hey, c'mon, B. If there's one thing you shoulda learnt about me by now it's that I'm one tough bitch to get rid of."

She gives a little half-laugh, half-cry and tightens her grip on my hand.

"Faith, I love you, and I'm glad you're okay. But if you ever put me through anything like that again I'm gonna kill you myself."

"I can honestly promise I'll do my best not to get slashed by some samurai wannabe vamp again."

"Is that what happened?"

Oh yeah, this should be a fun story to tell.

"It looks like we have some new boys on the block. And they don't play well with the other kids. I ran into five of 'em, they were doing some ritual or other out by Grove Hill Cemetary. I pretty much kicked their ass but then another five show up, and one of 'em was the boss man."

"A master vampire?"

"Looks like. And it seems like he has plans for Sunnydale."

She grins wryly. "Don't they all?"

"Yeah, but he's good, B. He's strong, and fast." I look down at the bandages wrapped around my middle. "And he has a really big sword."

"We'll take him down." She says confidently.

"Yeah... *we*." I want to make this point perfectly clear. "As in you and me. I don't want you going after this guy on your own."

She's about to argue but I don't give her the chance.

"No. Look, B, you've got a kid to think about, alright? I'll be up and kicking ass in no time, and when I am, we'll take the bastard out. Until then you be careful, okay?"

She just stares at me.

"B, promise me."

She sighs. "Alright, alright, I promise. Giles is probably going to be over-over protective now anyway."

"Giles knows?" When did this happen?

"Everyone knows. I told Riley, and he kinda let it slip."

Nice going, Beefstick.

"How did they take it?"

"I don't know. We haven't really had a chance to talk about it yet."

Just then the doc sticks her head in the door.

"Okay, you need to get some rest. And you can come back and see her tomorrow."

B stands up but I keep a hold of her hand.

"I meant what I said, y'know. I'm here for you, B. All the way."

She smiles at me, and even lying here sliced up that smile still has the same effect on me. She smoothes my hair back from my face then leans in and kisses me briefly.

"I'll come by tomorrow."

"I'll be looking forward to it. Oh, and, B?"

She turns around.

"Remember - you promised."

She nods. "I know. See you tomorrow."

The doc gives me a quick smile and knocks the lights off. I close my eyes and drift into something between sleep and a coma where the Slayer healing can do its thing.

*****

When we leave the hospital, Mom and Giles offer to let me stay the night and I agree. Willow and Xander make me promise to come talk to them tomorrow after I've seen Faith, and Riley just leaves.

The ride home is made in silence but I can practically hear the wheels turning in Mom's head. Once we get inside Giles goes to put the kettle on in a not-so-subtle attempt to leave the two of us alone.

"I'm guessing you didn't plan this." She says after a few moments.

"No, I didn't. I mean, we used protection and everything, but..."

"But, it's not foolproof." She sits beside me on the couch. "So have you thought about what you're going to do?"

I sigh. "Not really, not properly. I mean, I haven't had much time to think things through, not after what happened with Faith."

"And does she know?"

"Yeah, yeah she does."

Mom gives me a somewhat sympathetic look. "How did she take it? I mean, are you two still together?"

"Yeah, Mom, we are. She took it really well, in fact. Better than I'd expected." I can see that there's something really worrying Mom but she doesn't want to say it. "What is it?"

She hesitates. "Mom?"

"It's just that... well, honey, I know I'm not in a position to lecture on family values, but it would be nice for your child to have a family, you know? Two parents to look up to. I know that probably sounds hypocritical coming from a single Mom, but you have no idea how much easier the last few years would have been on me if I had someone to share the responsibility with."

"I do, Mom. I mean... I think I do."

"Faith?"

"She's said she wants to be a part of this, but she hasn't really had time to think it all through, what with being slashed and all."

"Well that's very loyal of her, but honey she's eighteen."

"And I'm nineteen. You think either of us are ready for this? We're not. But if the roles were reversed I'd stand by her. I love her. And I trust that she feels the same about me. So if she says this is what she wants, I believe her."

"So that's it? You've decided and everything is that easy?"

"No! Trust me, Mom, you've made the point many times before that having a kid is not easy... but I'm going to. I can't stop that now. I couldn't go through with an abortion, and I really don't think I could give a child up for adoption either. So I'm down to a few options."

Giles walks in now and sits across from us.

"And you're saying that one of those options is raising a child with Faith?" Mom asks.

"Yes. I know it's not the most conventional of families. But if there's one thing you've taught me above all else, it's that in a family love is the most important thing. And I know some people are gonna think it's wrong, but does that really matter if this child is being raised by people who love it?"

"It's just... you're so young, Buffy. Both of you. And it's such a huge responsibility."

"I know that, Mom, I know. And I'm not gonna say that I'm prepared, coz I'm really not. But I'm going to have to face up to this. I'm going to have a child and... and now I've got to deal with that."

"What about Riley?" Giles asks, "How does he feel about this?"

Hurt, mostly. "When I told him he thought it meant we were getting back together. He was hurt when I told him that even if Faith wasn't in the picture, we weren't. But I do want him to be a part of his child's life. He's a nice guy, I never wanted to hurt him."

Everyone's quiet for a few moments and there are some things I need to ask Giles.

"How is this going to affect me... as the Slayer, I mean?"

"Uh..." He removes his glasses and starts cleaning them, "You must understand, it's a rare occurrence that a Slayer would become pregnant. It's a rare enough occurrence that a Slayer would reach child bearing age. So there are really no documented cases. I shouldn't think it would adversely affect your powers, on the contrary in fact. Your enhanced strength and metabolism should help during the pregnancy.

"However, the repercussions of having a child are slightly more serious. Think of how many times your friends and family have been targeted by your enemies. To put a defenceless child in that position... Well, it won't be easy, Buffy."

Yeah, I had thought about that myself. Not one of the people close to me hasn't had a bad experience at the hands of one or other of my enemies. If word gets out that the Slayer has a baby, my child would immediately become a target, a weak point.

"Then again," Giles says, "You have Faith. And with two Slayers protecting the child... Well, it's not a foolproof way of keeping, uh... him? or her?, safe, but it certainly increases your chances. Plus Faith will also be able to take over your slaying duties when it reaches the stage where you are no longer able to."

"That's if she sticks around. I have to say, Faith isn't noted for taking on responsibility."

"She'll stay, Mom. I know she will."

I know she will.

*****

Come morning I'm feeling a hell of a lot better. I can't see through all the bandages, but I'm fairly sure the gash across my stomach is healing nicely. I could be outta here by today if I can win this doc over.

She's standing at the bottom of my bed, flipping through my chart. I can't read the expression on her face, but I'm guessing she's impressed.

"You're certainly on the mend."

"Five by five, doc. SO when can I leave?"

She laughs. "What... you don't like the service?"

"Nah, it's just there are things I could be doing."

"The only thing you're going to be doing for the next while is convincing me your better-"

She's interrupted as the door to the ward slams open and one of the samurai guys from last night charges into the room. He's completely wrapped in black, from head to foot, which explains how he made it in in the daylight.

I mutter a few choice curses and tear the IV out. I'm sure the doc would've protested if she wasn't too busy staring at the guy who's now drawn a sword and is running straight for me. I'm on my feet as quickly as I can be with these damn drugs in my system. But even somewhat dopey, I'm still the Slayer, and this bastard is going down.

I grab the IV stand and swing it at him. It catches him off guard and sends him crashing to the floor, sword flying from his hand. He scrambles back to his feet and charges me. I block his attacks fairly easily and then I manage to land a solid right hook. He stumbles backwards, straight into the doctor.

With a cry of pain, he spins around and I see she's stabbed him with a syringe. That may work on a human, but...

"Bitch!" He snarls and lunges for her.

I'm just about quick enough to get to him before he gets to her and the two of us land on the bed, rolling over, and off the other side. I end up straddling him but the searing pain across my middle tells me I've torn the stitches there. Fuck.

He takes advantage and pushes me off. Grabbing his sword again he raises it for a killing blow... and promptly turns to dust. B moves from the door where she threw the stake from and comes to where I am on the floor.

"I thought I was the one who wasn't supposed to take those guys on alone."

"Didn't give me much choice." I mutter, trying not to pass out again. I thought getting stabbed with a knife was painful, this is fucking agony.

The doc gets her ass in gear and kneels beside me, checking on the wound.

"Help me get her up," she says to B.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she unwraps the bandages and inspects the damage done.

"It doesn't look too bad, only a couple of stitches torn. And this wound is healing unbelievably fast. It probably won't scar much either."

I grin at that. Scars are pretty much a job hazard but only if it's a really bad cut. And I don't get too many of those. The doc's still staring at my stomach. "Though it does look like you have an earlier scar here... nasty one."

B and I share a look. I can see the guilt all over her face and I reach for her hand, smiling. She smiles weakly back at me.

The doc looks over her shoulder at the newly formed pile of dust.

"That guy didn't just... did he?"

B makes real deliberate eye contact with her.

"What guy?"

She looks confused, and glances to me. I just shrug.

"Ain't nobody here but the three of us."

She turns back to B. "I guess I've been working this shift too long."

"Right," B agrees, "You're probably overtired."

"Should get some sleep." I offer.

"Yeah..." she nods, looking distracted, "Yeah, I probably should." With one last glance at the now dead vamp, she stands up. "I'm happy enough with your progress. You can leave later this afternoon. I'll get back to you." And she leaves, still looking really confused.

I wonder how many people B's had to explain stuff like that away to. Still, I guess people will see what they want to see. How else could you live in a town like Sunnydale and still sleep at night?

"Are you okay?" B asks.

"You know me-"

"Five by five," she laughs, "Right. But seriously."

"Seriously, I feel okay. Wanna go slay tonight?"

She looks at me dubiously. "Let's just wait and see if you're up for it."

I grin and wink slowly at her. "Oh I'm always up for it."

"Faith." She smacks me on the arm, but she's grinning too. "What am I gonna do with you?"

"I could suggest a few things..." I'm still grinning as I grab her round the waist and pull her down onto my lap.

"Faith!"

I give her a mock sympathetic expression. "Humour an injured girl, huh?"

She smiles at me but then her expression sobers.

"Faith? About what you said before... in the motel?"

"Yeah?"

"Think seriously about this, okay? It's a huge responsibility to take on. Don't enter into it lightly."

"B, this... Sunnydale... you. This is all I have. Except for Angel and the guys in L.A., no one outside of this town knows who I am. Everything I have is here. Look, the way I see it... you're my girl, right?"

"Right." she smiles.

"Right. And I'm not giving you up for anything. So if you're having a kid, then... well, we're having a kid. I mean, if that's what you want?"

"It is. I just don't want you to feel this is some burden you have to bear."

"I don't. B, there was a time when I didn't think I'd ever have any happiness in my life. When I thought I didn't deserve any. You changed all that. And a new life is an amazing thing, y'know? B, if you let me... if that's what you want... then I am gonna be the second best damn mother that kid could hope for. I promise."

She's tearing up again and I wipe away the few stray tears making their way down her cheek.

"I'd like that, Faith. I'd really like that."

"Good..." I raise an eyebrow, " Now I believe you were humouring me?"


	7. Home

Buffy leaves a little later on with a promise to come back when I'm discharged. And God, will I be glad to get the hell out of here.

I'm worried about that vamp that got in. That's not the normal sort of behaviour you get from the Sunnydale undead, that kind of aggressive attack. Mostly they just kinda skulk around trying to avoid you. I got a feeling these guys ain't gonna play by those rules. And with B pregnant and me not quite running at full strength, that worries me.

A nurse comes in with a syringe in hand.

"Hey, I thought I was done with the medication."

"Doctor Jackson's orders." She says as she runs a swab over my arm.

There's a vague feeling in the back of my mind that I recognise too late as alarm bells going off. I try to focus on the needle as it shoots liquid into my arm but everything's a blur. Damn it, I should've known things wouldn't go easy.

I have just enough time to kick myself for letting myself get into this situation and then my world goes black.

*****

When I come to, the sight that greets me is one I could really do without.

"Riley."

"Faith." He says my name like it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

The two of us are chained side by side to a wall in some old warehouse. I'm still not at full strength, and when I pull on the chains all I succeed in doing is nearly ripping my shoulder out. I mutter a string of curses under my breath that would've made Mom proud before I try a different approach.

"Do you know what they want?" I ask him.

"I'm guessing whatever it is won't be good. But my soon to be death is made that much easier knowing that you're going down as well." He smiles stonily at me.

"I'll remind you you said that when I kick some ass and bust out of here." I growl at him and try to lose the chains again.

"Yeah, I see that happening." His tone is dripping with sarcasm. If only he wasn't the father of Buffy's kid I would take such great pleasure in kicking his sorry, corn-fed, farmboy ass.

I'm distracted from very pleasurable thoughts of doing extreme violence to him when four of the vamps walk into the room. They're followed by the big guy with the sword who slashed me last night.

"Now, Slayer. We shall finish what was started."

He walks right up to me and it's driving me nuts that I can't lash out at him. Every nerve in my body is screaming "Vampire!", but there's something more to him as well, something powerful. It's the same kind of feeling I got around the Mayor. This guy has power of the mystical variety.

He reaches out his hand, placing it over the sword wound on my stomach, and mutters a few words in a language I don't understand. He, like all the others, is wrapped entirely in black cloth, except for his eyes. And right now his eyes seem confused. He repeats the words then looks back up at me.

"Fools!" He turns on the other four vamps. "She is not the Slayer!"

"Let me outta these chains and we'll see how un-Slayerish I am."

He points at Riley. "She does not carry his child."

Oh, see now this makes sense.

"Go!" he snarls at them. "Go and bring me the Slayer." He looks back at me and gets his temper under control. "But keep her too, we can use her when the time is come to perform the ritual."

The four vamps leave but the boss guy stays.

"Okay, so you thought I was the one knocked up, but what do you want with him?" I nod to Riley.

"The child the Slayer carries will be our saviour." He starts to pace in front of us and his voice takes on that tone used only by the severely deranged or by Southern Baptist preachers. "It has been foretold in the ancient texts. To make the child a fitting vessel for Kalinos, we shall perform the ritual of cleansing." His voice returns to somewhat normal and he looks at Riley. "He and the Slayer shall pass the trial of blood and tears to make their child worthy of the honour."

"Over my dead body." I snap at him.

"Yes." He agrees. "You will make a fitting sacrifice before the ritual begins."

"Way to give them ideas, Faith." Riley says.

"Shut it, Beefstick."

*****

Giles is waiting for me when I get back to my dorm. Willow's sitting beside him with a worried look on her face. Xander, Anya and Tara are there too.

"What? What's happened?"

"Um... Buffy." Giles is doing the nervous glasses cleaning thing. "There's been a phone call from the hospital."

Oh God. Faith.

"It appears Faith has... well, disappeared."

"Disappeared? How can she just disappear?"

"In Sunnydale? Weird, huh." Xander quips, but his face is serious.

I turn to Giles. "Who did this? The Council? What?"

"That's what I thought at first, but I rang around some of my contacts and it's not the Council's doing."

There's only one other main suspect I can think of.

"The vamps we ran into. I dusted one of them that came after her in the hospital. They must have sent reinforcements."

"But how could they get her out without anyone noticing? Faith's not the type to go quietly." Will points out.

Good point. "They must have had inside help."

And that help's gonna regret it.

*****

"Where is she?"

The nurse's eyes nearly cross as I slam her against the wall for a third time. I'm really starting to lose patience now. One of the patients in the ward across the hall from Faith said that they saw this nurse go in and leave with Faith in a wheelchair. I'm willing to bet any money that she handed her off to the vampires. And for her sake, she'd better know where they've taken her.

"I swear, I don't know."

Wrong answer. I twist her arm further up behind her back. A little more pressure and it'll snap.

"Listen, I don't know how they convinced you to help them. If it was money, believe me, no amount is worth going through the pain that I can cause you. If they threatened you... well, nothing they said they'd do could possibly compare to what I *will* do if you don't tell me where she is... now."

"Alright... alright." She winces as I reassert the pressure on her arm. "There's an abandoned warehouse up by Carter Hill. That's where he said they were taking them."

"Them? Who else have they got?" My mind races through the possibilities.

"Some guy. I don't know his name, honestly, I don't."

"Riley." Willow says.

"Yeah." I let the woman go and she drops to the ground, cradling her arm.

"So do we go to the mansion?" Xander asks.

"No. *I* go to the mansion."

"Buffy..." over the chorus of protest Giles speaks up. "As your Watcher, I have to say that going into that kind of danger, alone, and in your condition... well, I just can't allow it."

You really think he'd have learnt by now, wouldn't you?

"I appreciate your concern, all of you. But I'm going, and that's that."

"And so are we." Willow says. "You're our friend, our pregnant friend, and we're not going to let you go in there alone."

"Will-"

"No!" she holds up a finger in a pose I know well. "Resolve face. Now let's go."

I can't argue with resolve face, so I nod in appreciation instead. "Thanks guys."

"Hey, I may not be Faith's number one fan, but even though she slept with me then tried to kill me, I still have to say vamps are worse."

"You slept with Faith???" Anya turns on Xander.

"Um... did I say that out loud?" Xander looks to the rest of us for support. "Well... people need a-savin', forces of darkness at work. Let's go shall we?" and he makes his escape.

"You slept with Faith?" Anya's hard on his heels.

I have to smile a little despite myself. "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it." I say under my breath as I follow the others out.

*****

The other four vamps haven't come back and the boss guy is still pacing the floor of the warehouse.

"You know they're dust by now." I taunt him. "B's wasted their sorry ass. And she'll be coming after you next."

I can feel the strength returning to my body now that the drugs are wearing off. I've examined the chains and they're bolted to the wall. If I was at full strength I could tear 'em off easy, but as it is I'm just gonna have to bide my time.

"They are four of my most trusted soldiers, they will not fail."

"Once they find the right person that is. Coz you're oh and one on that count."

"Silence!" I've hit a nerve. "There are only two Slayers and soon we shall have you both. There will be no mistakes this time."

"Only two Slayers? Do you have any idea how stupid a statement that is? One Slayer is more than you can handle." Riley says.

"Soon you shall see just how wrong you are." He says and walks out of the room.

We're both silent for a few minutes before Beefstick speaks up.

"Can you get out of these chains?"

I shake my head. "A little more time and I'll be back at full strength."

"We don't have a little more time." He hisses, trying not to let the vamps overhear. "We have to get out of here and warn Buffy."

"You know I've actually thought of that!" I snap back. "But unless you got a better idea on how we can get outta here then you'll just have to wait 'til I get my strength back."

He's subdued a little. "I'm worried about her... and the baby."

In spite of it all, I do feel sorry for him. "I know... I am too. But she'll be okay, just look at all the people she has watching her back."

He looks away and his next statement is so quiet I barely hear it.

"You're in love with her."

"Yeah... I am, very much."

He looks up at me. "Promise me... promise me you'll look after her, keep her safe."

I may not like the guy very much, but we do have one huge thing in common - how we feel about B, and I can understand where he's coming from. I'd want the same in his situation.

"I promise."

Whatever he's about to say is interrupted by the sound of fighting coming from outside.

*****

We met and dusted four vamps as we cut through the park to get here, and now there are another six in the alley outside the warehouse.

"A welcoming party? How thoughtful."

These guys are stronger than your average vamp, and the swords they're waving around could do some serious damage. To get within staking range I need to get close to them, and that puts me in their reach. So stakes become plan B. As for plan A...

I take on the first to come at me and block his swing, kicking out and breaking his kneecap. As he goes down I grab his sword and stake him. One down and we're playing on an even field now that I have a blade in my hand.

The rest of the guys have holy water and crossbows and they do as much damage as they can without getting close to the vamps. Meanwhile I've taken out three, Giles put a bolt through one and the remaining two are coming at me together.

I duck and roll out of the way, coming up in a fighting stance. They charge again and I parry one's swing while I kick out at the other. He doubles over and I drop a heel kick to the back of his head. He won't be getting up for a while.

The last vamp is a good swordsman and he manages to get a good slash in on my sword arm. He's coming in for another charge when Xander chucks the last of the holy water at him, hitting him in the face. The vamp drops his sword to clutch at his burning eyes and I stake him. Will finishes off the unconscious vamp and we head into the warehouse.

There's a large open area in the middle of the warehouse, with a walkway running all the way around the upper level. Faith and Riley are chained to the far wall and I go to release them.

"Buffy!"

Riley and Faith shout a warning together as nine more of the samurai vamps drop from the walkway into the room. One of them is bigger than the rest and I'm guessing this is the master vampire Faith told me about. Master vampire - been there, killed that.

They charge and everyone is caught up in hand to hand. Xander and Willow try to keep Anya and Tara out of harm's way as much as possible while I'm on a beeline for their leader. I take out two vamps to get to him and when I do he holds his sword up in front of him and bows slightly.

"Do not worry, Slayer. We shall take you alive."

"Really? Coz I'm inclining more towards killing you."

I go on the offensive, trying to get inside his reach, but he's damn good and blocks every blow. My arm is still stinging from where I got cut and when he lashes out, full force, the sword flies from my hand.

He steps back, not pressing his opening. "You are defenseless... surrender."

"Weaponless maybe, but I'm far from defenseless."

He shrugs and throws down his sword. Then he charges me. We're exchanging blows hard and fast and I know that one slip up is gonna cost me. He's strong, very strong, and with each punch I'm forced to block, he's driving me back.

I lash out with a backhand that connects with his jaw, but lets my guard down for a second. He grabs me in a chokehold and slams me down on a table behind me.

"I need you alive, not necessarily conscious." He growls as the air is slowly forced from my lungs.

Suddenly his head is snapped back as a pair of steel chains are wrapped around his neck and pulled tight. Faith's back in the game.

"Payback's a bitch." She grins as she pulls him back off me and throws him to the ground.

I grab one of the table legs and pull, splintering the wood. "Catch."

She does, and plunges it into his chest. I can't see his face through all the material, but I'm fairly sure he's not too happy. Then he's just dust.

With the big guy out of the way we turn our attention to the remaining vamps. Giles has his hands full with two of them and Faith runs to help. I grab one that's going for Willow and slam him to the ground. He's back up quickly and coming at me.

It's not long before it's just us and nine piles of dust. I look over to where Faith's helping Xander to his feet.

"Don't touch him." Anya steps between them, knocking Xander back to the ground again.

"Uh... sorry?" Faith looks to Xander and he shrugs sheepishly.

"You can't have him. He's mine. Don't touch him."

Something clicks and Faith grins a little. "Oh... ok. I'll try and keep my hands off him so."

"Good." Anya seems happy enough now that she's marked her territory and she helps Xander up. "She can't have you," she says to him.

Smiling, I go to free Riley. Beside where he's chained there are two holes in the wall where brick and mortar were smashed.

He follows my gaze. "She... she just... pulled."

"Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Slayer." I say, as I bring one of the vamp's swords down hilt first against the chains. After a few blows the bolts come free from the wall and I help Riley to his feet.

Faith's looking around the warehouse at the various piles of dust.

"You didn't happen to see a key round here anywhere, did ya?" she asks.

Good question. She and Riley still have manacles and a few feet of chain on their wrists. If there was a key it was dusted with the head vamp.

"Um... Giles?"

He looks between Riley and Faith for a few moments. "Anyone know of a good locksmith?"

*****

On the way back, we swung by Willy's bar. Willy is a man of many skills and after a little 'friendly persuasion', which consisted of me convincing him it'd be nice if his bar was still standing come morning, and B threatening to find out how many bones she could break in his body and still keep him alive, Willy found his lockpicking tools and set to work on me and Beefstick.

Now me, B, Giles and Joyce are all sitting round in Joyce's lounge.

"Well I'm glad everyone's okay." Joyce says.

"Just about." B's been quiet since we left the warehouse.

Giles notices it too. "Buffy... everything worked out in the end." He tries to reassure her.

"It's just... when I think that they wanted to hurt my child. And they're not going to be the last..."

I put my hand on her knee.

"Buffy, there is no one and nothing on this earth or any other that is gonna hurt that kid. I promise. She's gonna be just fine."

"She?" Buffy questions.

Hmm... where did that come from. "Call it intuition."

"Buffy, it may not be easy, but just think of everyone who's here to help, who's here to protect her." Giles says.

B smiles a little sadly. "It's not like this isn't gonna be hard enough even without the supernatural side of things."

"You know we're all here for you, Buffy." Joyce says. "And we'll help however we can." She looks to Giles. He looks back blankly. She nods to B while still looking at him.

"Oh! Yes... quite." He turns to B. "Well, your mother and I have been talking, and we've decided that I'm going to move in here."

"Congratulations." Buffy looks to her Mom and Giles.

"And the thing is," he continues, "I'm going to have to find someone to move into my place. So I was wondering if you two might be interested?"

Buffy looks to me, and the expression on her face tells me she's very interested indeed.

"Well, let's see..." I say with mock seriousness, "College dorm room and dingy motel, or Giles' place? Decisions, decisions."

Buffy grins and turns back to Giles. "Are you sure?"

"Well with a baby on the way... my study would make an excellent nursery." He says.

Buffy's expression suddenly grows serious. "So this isn't just a clever form of bribery so I don't freak about you moving in with my mother?"

"Damn, she noticed." Joyce says, and mother and daughter smile at each other.

"It's yours." Giles says, looking at both of us.

"Thanks Giles, Mrs. Summers." I say.

"Least we can do." Joyce replies.

"I can start moving out tomorrow." Giles looks to Joyce. "If that's okay."

"The sooner the better." She smiles and takes his hand.

*****

Three days later Mom and I are standing in the courtyard of what is now my and Faith's house. The sun is shining brightly as Giles and Faith struggle to load the car. She hands me a cup of coffee and we smile as we watch the continuing argument between our lovers.

"There is no way in hell, or any other dimension you care to name, that this chair is going to fit in this matchbox you call a car." Faith says as they try, for the fifth time, to get the antique piece of furniture into Giles' VW.

"If you just... turn it... slightly..." Giles is straining with the effort of trying to get it in, and Faith, Slayer strength and all is tiring too. I can see the muscles bunch in her back as she lifts the chair and tries to turn it, nearly falling over when it finally does slide into the car.

"There... you see." Giles is gasping for breath as he straightens up. "Not... a... problem."

"Do you want a drink?" Mom offers. "Or an oxygen mask?"

"Ha... funny." Giles grins humourlessly at her as he and Faith finish packing the car.

"So..." I turn to Mom. "You and Giles."

She looks at him and smiles. I haven't seen her smile like that in a long while.

"Me and Giles." She turns to me. "He's been really amazing these past few months. I have to say, Buffy, some of the decisions you make are... unsettling at times. But Rupert's really been there for me. He really understands you, you know?"

I nod. "I do know. And I'm glad you're happy, Mom."

She smiles and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Well, I think that's it." Giles says as he and Faith finish loading the car up.

Mom kisses me on the cheek. "I'll call later on, just to see how you're settling in. Goodbye, Faith."

"See ya Mrs. S. I don't know how the both of you are gonna fit in that sad excuse for a car though."

Giles puts on his offended face. "This 'sad excuse for a car' is one of the most reliable models of..."

"Of course it is, Rupert, lets go." Mom puts a hand on his arm and leads him, still protesting to the car. After a backfire that sent birds flying from nearby treetops, they pull away.

"Wow." Faith says, turning a 360, "I still can't believe we live here."

"I know... I mean, we have a four-poster bed for God's sake."

"Hmm... speaking of..." she goes to pull me into her arms and I smack her away.

"Faith! You've been moving furniture for the last couple of hours. You're sticky and sweaty and you smell like a skunk."

"I thought you liked me all sticky and sweaty?" she smirks.

"Faith..." I raise an eyebrow, "Shower... now."

"Boy, you're really getting in the training for being a Mom, huh?"

She advances towards me and I back up, but there's only so far I can go. With a grin she grabs me behind my knees and lifts me up.

"'Bout that shower... do I have to take it alone?"

I wrap my arms around her neck and kiss her deeply.

"What do you think?"

She carries me into the house, kicking the door closed behind her.

"I think," she says as she takes the stairs two at a time, "That we're gonna like living here."

You know, I think she's right. Coz finally... we're home.


	8. Welcome To The World, Baby Girl

//"We can do no great things - only small things with great love."//  
\-- Mother Teresa.

We've been waiting here nearly an hour now.

_"So, B, are you sure the kid is going to stick to this timetable of yours?"_

_She smacks my arm. "It's not a timetable, it's a birth plan. See?"_

_I flick through the pages. "A birth plan, huh? You've got it all worked out."_

_"Absolutely. All the-" she stops and frowns, her hand on her stomach._

_"What?" I can feel the panic rising in my gut. It seems like lately I've been living one constant, drawn out anxiety attack. Anything and everything to do with the baby gets me worked up like you would not believe. It's crazy, I mean I'm supposed to be a Slayer - cool, calm, collected, able to face down vamps, demons and the forces of darkness, not this nervous wreck that a kid the size of a softball can reduce me to._

_She smiles. "It's fine. She kicked, Faith, she kicked."_

_She takes my hand and places it on her belly._

_We don't know for sure if it's a boy or a girl, B insists on not knowing 'til the day comes, but I have a feeling it's a girl and so now she's referred to as 'she'._

_She kicks again and I feel it. It's amazing how this kid can send me from mindless panic to total contentment in the span of a few seconds._

_I look at B and she smiles at me, I smile back. This is the most goddamned incredible thing. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe that there's a person growing in there, a real person with a life and a future ahead of her. And soon that kid's gonna be out here in the real world._

_"If I didn't know better I'd say that was one of your spinning heel kicks." I grin._

_Buffy groans. "Yeah... that'll be all I need going on in there."_

Red comes up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this nervous."

"I don't think I've ever been this nervous."

She smiles and goes back to sit beside Tara.

I'm kinda surprised at how much Red has thawed over the last few months. It's not like we're ever gonna be best buds or nothin', but we're getting along okay now. And that makes B happy so I guess it's cool.

_"Willow, you're my best friend. You've always been there for me, through everything. And in a town like Sunnydale, everything's a lot."_

_We're sitting in Tara and Red's dorm room and I'm messing round with their cat while B has 'The Talk'._

_"What I'm trying to say is... if you would do this, it would mean so much to me, to us both."_

_This is where I get the subtle nudge in the ribs._

_"Hmmm? Oh, yeah. You'd make a wicked Godmother."_

_"Buffy, I don't know what to say... of course I will, I'm honoured."_

_Red gets up and hugs Buffy, then she hugs me too. I think she's as surprised as I am, but she smiles anyway._

_"Thanks for asking."_

_B just looks at me and grins._

_"'S cool." I mutter._

I think that's the first time Red ever voluntarily invaded my personal space. We were pretty much cool from then on. She's even given up on trying to get me to call her Willow. I guess she doesn't mind Red so much now.

I look up at Riley and he smiles weakly at me. I can't say I've come to like the guy, but we've learned to tolerate each other. The thing is, as much as Beefstick and I dislike each other, we care for Buffy just as much. And I guess I'm secure enough with her now not to feel threatened by that. And he, better than anyone, understands how I'm feeling right now.

_We're sitting in the doctor's office, Buffy propped up on the bed with Riley on one side and me on the other._

_All of our attention is fixed on the picture on the little black monitor at the foot of the bed. I actually kind of think it looks like a badly made alien from one of those 50's B-movies, but I keep that thought to myself. This is the first ever picture of our kid and it's amazing._

_None of us say anything - it's one of those quiet moments, and then in the silence a quick rhythm starts beating._

_"That's your baby's heartbeat." The doc says. "Very healthy."_

_Riley looks at me and he has the same stupid grin on his face that I know I must be wearing. B's starting to tear up. I squeeze her hand and we smile at each other._

_"Wow." Beefstick says. And that says it all._

Xander looks over to where Joyce and Giles are sitting.

"So how long does this usually take?"

Joyce just smiles.

"Babies will come when they come."

_I walk in the front door and B and Xander are sitting on the couch. He's stretched out full length with his head on a level with B's stomach._

_"She's got you doing it too, huh?"_

_Xander nods._

_"Ridiculous as I feel talking to Buffy's torso, I've made it a habit not to argue with Slayers." He says._

_"That's a good habit to have." B nods to her now large stomach. "Now keep talking."_

_"Okay... so I'm your Uncle Xander, and as you get older you're probably gonna hear a lot of stories about me. Don't believe a word of them... especially if Willow's the one telling them. That Barbie-napping incident had nothing to do with me and she can't prove differently..."_

This waiting is killing me. They had to perform a caesarean so we can't be in there with her and I'm going nuts out here. Trust this kid to be difficult about things. And I have a feeling she's starting as she intends to go on.

Giles is pacing again. He's a lot more nervous than he'd like to let on, I know. Buffy's been teasing him about how he's going to be a granddad, and even though he protests you can tell he's in love with the idea. I can see him trying to teach the kid Latin by the time she's four.

_"Yes, well, ahem. Faith, I realise that in the past, we've been on very different sides. And I know when you first came back to Sunnydale, I was as suspicious as most. But you really have made an immense change and I just want to say that... well, that I'm proud of you."_

_Wow. I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before._

_"It's taken a lot of courage and determination to do what you've done and, uh, well done."_

_I don't know what to say. "Thanks G-Man."_

_"Quite, quite. And please don't call me that."_

I look around at everyone in the room - so many people here for one reason, for one person. The life of a Slayer isn't usually a long one and it's reassuring to know that if anything happens to me or Buffy, there's gonna be a whole lot of people to look after this kid. Riley as her dad, Giles and Joyce as her grandparents, and Xander and Willow as her Godparents. Then again, I have no intention of letting anything happen to me or Buffy. I plan to make sure this child has a damn good life, right from day one.

Everyone's head snaps up as a wailing scream from a new-born set of lungs pierces the air. We all look at each other, and no one speaks in the expectant silence for the next few minutes. Then the door opens and a relieved looking doctor in scrubs comes out.

"You can go in now."

He's nearly trampled as we all move for the door as one. I get in first, gotta love the Slayer strength, and B looks up and smiles.

She's looking tired and sweaty, her hair's a mess and her skin is flushed - I've never seen her looking more beautiful.

"It's a girl."

She's holding a small bundle in her arms, and as I sit on the bed beside her I get my first look at our daughter. She has her mother's eyes and nose, and she's beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

"Here," she holds her out to me.

Flashback to Lamaze class #4 on how to hold a baby, and I take her in my arms. I'll be the first to admit that I've always had my fair share of pride, some may say arrogance, but I've never felt more humbled than I do in this moment.

This tiny kid in my arms is quite likely to be the biggest thing that ever happens to me. And holding her now, I know that everything I do from this moment on is going to be for her.

Riley's standing beside me and I may not like him much, but right now I love him completely. I hand her over and he takes her so carefully. He's a big guy and she seems so very small in his hands.

While he shows her off to everyone else I sit down beside B, putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.

"I'm so proud of you."

She smiles tiredly.

"She's perfect."

"Absolutely." I agree, kissing her on the temple. "Absolutely."

Joyce comes over, the beaming Grandmother, and hands her back to Buffy. I reach down and she grabs a hold of my finger in one tiny fist.

"Congratulations, honey. Have you thought of a name?" Joyce asks.

B looks at me questioningly and I nod. We'd narrowed it down to a few names and in the end I said the final choice was up to her.

"Danielle." She smiles down at our daughter. "Danielle Jennifer Summers."

Dani, I like it. Everyone else seems to as well.

"... probably too late."

The voices from outside announce some more visitors.

"Well I apologise if not breaking the speed limit, the law, and our necks makes us a few minutes late." A clipped English accent says.

The door opens and Angel, Cordelia and Wesley walk in.

"Sorry." Angel apologises. "We had to wait for sundown and then Wesley ended up driving." He shoots a dirty look at the Englishman.

Wes is about to protest but then he sees the baby.

"Oh... isn't she precious?"

Everyone tries to make room in the now very crowded space to let the L.A. posse through.

Wesley leans over and makes coo coo noises, and Cordelia smacks him on the arm.

"Wesley don't scare the poor kid."

"Congratulations, Buffy." Angel says. "And you too." He looks to Riley and me.

"Thanks. Do you want to hold her?" B offers.

"Um... I, well... uh..."

I have to grin. Angel - big, bad, demon of the night Angel - handling this kid like she might go off any second. I know how he feels though, it's a pretty awe-inspiring thing.

Just then the door opens... or rather opens as best it can with everyone squashed into the room.

"Okay," it's Dr. Burns, B's OBGYN, "You've got ten seconds to clear this room so that it's just baby, parents and parent's partner - go!"

The nine people not included in that statement beat a hasty retreat, which is wise considering what Burns may do otherwise. She's been totally cool since B started seeing her and right now she's smiling just as proudly as family and friends were.

"How's Mom feeling?" she asks.

"How do I look?" B retorts with a smile.

"That good, huh? Well... we're gonna keep you in overnight, just as a precaution. Everything looks fine, you did a great job."

"Yeah, I'm a natural when it comes to letting people cut me open."

"Buffy, you brought a new life into the world, I think that's a deed worthy of praise." Riley says.

I have to agree. I mean, I can't believe she went through what she did and kept her sanity, Lord knows I wouldn't have. Nine months of nausea and worry and tiredness and irritability - and that was just me, never mind what B went through. And it's all culminated in this little girl in her arms. Worth every damn minute of it.

B looks up at me and smiles, and that one smile speaks volumes. This is real.

This is our child.

//"Blessed be childhood, which brings down something of heaven into the midst of our rough earthliness."//  
\-- Henri Frederic Amiel

*****

Three days after Dani is born we're still sleeping with her cot in our room. It may seem pointless to build a nursery and then not use it, but Faith and I both feel better knowing she's in the same room as us. Besides, it means we don't have as far to go when she starts to cry - and she does that a lot.

Everyone has been so helpful, Mom especially - unbearably so at times. But I'm grateful that she's here, I'd be lost without her. She's brought around a whole load of my old stuff for Dani, along with a whole load of new stuff that I'll just bet she dragged Giles around with her to pick out. Only he could have picked out the vampire teddy bear, which I'm sure Dani is gonna have to explain to her psychiatrist one day.

Riley comes by every day, and the difference in his relationship with Faith is amazing now. I mean, they had learnt to put up with each other, and that was about it. But I came downstairs yesterday and the two of them were sitting on the couch with Dani between them, laughing over something she had done. It seemed so relaxed, so normal, so non-violent. They've come a long way.

And so have Faith and I. We're really settling into this relationship. I realise having a child and being a family probably had a large part to play in that, but we're really good together. I put up with her shit... to a point, and I let her know when she's crossed the line. And she knows when I need to go crazy, goes there with me and brings me back safe. I trust her completely, and I love her more than ever.

Right now she's not in our bed and Dani's not in her cot so I'm guessing Faith's trying to stop her crying. She's really good at that, Mom says she has 'The Touch'. I have to agree, she can usually always manage to get her to settle down. Oh well, I'm not getting back to sleep for a while. I get up and pull on a robe.

From the top of the stairs, I can hear Faith talking quietly down below. I'm halfway down the stairs before I can make out what she's saying and what I hear makes me sit and listen. She's holding Dani in her arms as she paces back and forth.

"...didn't have much as a kid, and I know it's not like I'm exactly rolling in dough now, but I'm gonna give you the best I can, I promise you that. And I swear, I swear... that I am always gonna be here for you. And I'll always have your back.

"I know you're not technically my kid, but that don't mean I love you any less. You are so special, and you have a great, great life ahead of you. I'm gonna see to it.

"My parents didn't exactly set a good example for me to follow with you, y'know? But I ain't gonna let nothing like that happen to you. I'm not gonna let you go through what I did, I promise."

She stops pacing and looks down at Dani who, I guess, is now asleep.

"I promise."

She whispers it quietly and from the heart. From the moonlight through the window I can see the single tear make its way down her cheek and I think I fall in love with her all over again.

I get up and go to her. As I cross the room she looks up and sees me. She doesn't say anything, there are no words for this moment. I wrap one arm around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder. With my other hand I fix the blanket around my daughter. She kisses my forehead and, holding Dani in one arm, puts the other around my shoulders, pulling me close. Resting her head on mine she whispers "I love you."

She could be talking to me, or Dani, or both of us, it really doesn't matter. All that matters is what I have in my arms right now - the woman that I love, and our daughter.

My family.

//"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle".//  
\-- Vincent Van Gogh.


End file.
